Hey, look! The Teeth! They hop out of their cab. Cut to incredibly phony Xerox shot. Then one of Jeebus that might be genuine. Then back to Boston, running up the hill. "I can't, Wil," Tara says to him defeatedly. "I can't do it, Wil, they just passed me." And indeed they did. (TARflies: "Wooooo!") Wil yells at her one last time, but it just ain't happening. Boston catches up with Wil as they ascend one last set of stairs. (Though I think it's fair to say in Wil's defense that if he didn't know Tara was way, way behind him, he might have been able to stay ahead of Boston.) Cut to Mary and the Fruit, cheering. Aww, hi, Fruit! Very fake shot of Thunk, very fake shot of Cha-Cha-Cha.
Aaaaand coming up the row of flags, it's Boston. Up the path, past the teams, onto the mat, BAM! They dive on each other and fall on the mat. And then they start making out. Just kidding. They're really, really happy, though, for obvious reasons. Wil walks up toward the mat unhappily. HA! Phil, up on the mat, congratulates Boston on their victory. They hug Phil. Aww. When Phil tells them they've officially taken home the million, Chris picks up Phil like a bride being carried over the threshold. Phil chuckles. Marry me, Phil. Let's ditch these dummies and see the world.
Wil looks on in agony. What this reminds me of is 1991, when Duke beat UNLV in the Final Four -- very, very unexpectedly. I still have that game on tape, and I still watch it occasionally. And although I love everything about it, there is nothing I like more than the very end, after Duke won, when CBS gave me a long, lingering look at a weeping UNLV cheerleader. Ahhhhh, that's the ticket. I feel the same way about watching Wil suffer. I realize it's very, very mean, but he truly and honestly earned every bit of it. He didn't deserve to win, and he didn't win, so from my corner of the world? All is well. When Tara appears, they can't resist taking up the blame game. It starts, of course, because she realizes that this looks like it was sort of her fault, so she quickly points out that he was the one with the non-brilliant Dead End Plan, which is true. He points out that they passed Boston after that, so the Dead End Plan is not to blame, which is also true. Neither of them really wants to discuss the fact that their joint behavior back at the taxi stand is a large part of the issue, because they're equally responsible for that, so where's the fun in sharing the blame? "We could've had ten minutes on them," she counters. Oh, really? How's that? They were following you, dear, right up until the admittedly stupid Dead End Plan was implemented. Where were you planning to get ten minutes?