Amazing Race
He's A Few Ticks Away From Having A Heart Attack!

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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The program gets a little buggy

Jon and Kelly finally find a fellow who's staffing some unmentioned tourist attraction (but if you want to go there, it's apparently $24 for adults and $12 for children) and who's able to give them directions to Julatten. When Jon returns to the car, Kelly congratulates him with their usual "good job, babe."

Here come the Chipsters, approaching the Roadblock. Reichen is doing a little bit of grumbling about the quality of Chip's driving. "How do you want me to drive?" Chip asks. "However you want, Chip. I don't know. Just...be safe." He forgot to say, "Let's see...straight...fast...safe...oh, and if you see my foot in the road? Drive around it." That's what I would have said.

As David drives by Jeff, Jeff seems to actually be trying to give him instructions by making the "down, down" motion with his hands. Apparently, he fears David will blow the engine, probably because of the loud "vroom-vroom" noises the buggy is making. He may not realize that it's specially constructed to vroom as loudly as possible, to the point where "Vrooming Decibels (Vdb)" appears in the specs. Jeff then sees the Chipsters pulling up to the Roadblock, and notes their arrival with disappointment. "They're driving some kind of, like, dune buggy or something," Reichen comments as the Chipsters get out of their car. "This is all you," he continues. When they read the clue, Chip does indeed agree to do it. Meanwhile, David is finishing, and the guy hands him the clue. Jeff reads the clue, which tells them to get to the next pit stop at Ellis Beach. Fifty miles away, Phil reveals. He calls the beach "picturesque," and indeed, it looks like one of those beaches that could easily be used for generic "Life's A Beach" merchandise, or maybe for commercials where a guy dreams about living on the beach with nothing but beer and chicks to keep him company. Unfortunately, Jeff offers one more "good job, bro" before they leave. Man, as much as I don't like "dude," I prefer it enormously to "bro." David has a cackling moment as they leave, noting that he has to get out of crazy buggy driving mode in order to take to the regular streets again. I love cackling, by the way. Everyone should cackle from time to time.

Speaking of people who probably do not cackle at all, unfortunately, Chip is suiting up for the Roadblock. He reaches over and gives a re-yellow-shorted Reichen a little peck before he goes. So cute. And it is indeed smart to adopt the philosophy, "Never do anything death-defying while you're officially fighting." In a continuation of the episode's unfortunate theme of endlessly dishing up racing platitudes like scrambled eggs at a Vegas buffet brunch, Reichen voices over that in order to be successful, he and Chip both need to be "extremely vigilant about details." Yeah. Like walking. And the definition of "parking lot." And not buying business class tickets. Whatever blows your ever-present shorts up, there, dear. Chip zooms off in the buggy, as Reichen grins after him. As one of my friends at work observed, Chip on the course looks a lot like someone playing a racing videogame for the first time, always half in the grass and overcorrecting and that sort of thing. He even runs over some tires, which seems vaguely ironic and disturbingly cannibalistic. You get the feeling that if you were trapped in this car with Chip, you'd spend a lot of your time with your hands over your eyes. We see quite a bit of grass go by in front of the windshield, and eventually Chip goes right off the road and wrecks. Reichen observes this with frustration and notes that this leg has been one nightmare after another, for the most part. The instructor lets Chip in on the news that he's broken the car but good, so they're not able to get going again. Chip yells "Fuck!" but they're nice enough to bleep it out for you. Fortunately, it does not exactly require crazy lip-reading skills to figure it out.

Team Who happily observes that they're now at least ten minutes in front of Reichen and Chip -- and getting more so by the minute, I'd note. There is more boring racing philosophy from Jeff about how a strong finish in this leg should help them not to feel rushed in the final leg and so forth. This is just more of this stuff than I think I need to hear. If you've ever been at a party with someone who won't stop telling you about their home improvement projects, you'll recognize the phenomenon. Jeff is also hoping that if other teams hit problems, "some people may not stay cool about that."

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Amazing Race

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