Amazing Race
Houston, We Have An Elephant

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Animal magnetism

We jerkily jerk around until it is time to settle over the plains of Botswana (the desert, the flatlands...I'm not National Geographic over here, y'all) and then we observe a large knot of elephants who undoubtedly were not asked to sign releases, and thus are trying to keep their faces away from the cameras in favor of their enormous rear ends. Phil explains that we are here in the Kalahari desert, and the assortment of wildlife is really rather stunning. Ostriches! Lions! Zebras! And then there is the salt pan where we find our pit stop, which Phil believes to be "reminiscent of the surface of the moon." Note the absence of gravity, and the golf ball that Phil just shot into the stratosphere using only the power of one foot. Not really. At least he's dressed nicely.

We watch yesterday's footage of the teams arriving as Phil explains in the Patter of Little Feats how they'll have to find their way to the next route marker and so forth. And they'll use "clues." Like "Drive from Point A to Point B." I'd have a better joke here if it were a surer bet that everyone would decipher such a "clue."

Phil wonders whether Ron and Kelly's All-American relationship will traverse the heartlands of their empty souls and arrive, breathless and swollen with jingoistic passion, at the Lincoln Memorial of love. I swear, this is the only couple I've ever seen where I can totally imagine the first dance at their wedding being "God Bless The U.S.A." And she would wear this dress -- which I first found here, incidentally, and could not imagine who might wear it. You know who would wear it? Kelly. Anyway, Phil also ponders whether Brian and Greg can dig their asses out of last place.

5:29 AM. Just as things are all twilighty, it's time for Ron and Kelly to rip their clue and go. It tells them to drive 141 miles, as Phil explains, past the city of Maun and to Sankuyo Village. There, they'll find a water tower where the next clue is located. Rather revoltingly, Kelly explains in a voice-over that she was reading "the love chapter in the Bible" and substituting her name for the word "love." No, really. NO, REALLY. She was changing the Bible so it was about herself, and if I could wrap up the irony and stupidity of that sentiment and make it into a button, I would wear it on my lapel every day until I'm dead, because are you kidding me? Nevertheless, we'll give Kelly the benefit of the New American Standard version so that it actually says "love" and not "charity," which is what the King James says. The Bible really isn't a Celine Dion ballad, after all, not that I expect Kelly to get that, particularly. Anyway, if you want to see what she's talking about, you can do so here. So, she claims that she was trying to take this new Kelly-centric Bible and make it instructive regarding the way she's going to treat Ron today. Let's follow along and see how she does! Ron, meanwhile, says he hasn't been thinking about their relationship. Snerk. They are totally that couple where she would turn around in the middle of a fight and snap, "This would never happen if you really loved Jesus!", and somehow I sense that he'd be chewing, probably, and he'd be all, "What?" They follow markers away from the pit stop toward, presumably, Maun. And, one hopes, redemption.

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Amazing Race

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