The teams head for Utah, which the Weavers hate immediately. Because, you see, it's so ugly, especially Monument Valley with the glorious rock formations and other beautiful things. SO ugly. The teams hang around for a while, rappelling and so forth, and then they suffer the indignity of visiting a performing bear before hitting the Yield. At the Yield, the Linzes accidentally stumble on the right move by Yielding the Weavers out of spite, not realizing that the Weavers have fallen into last place after outsmarting themselves and taking the worst possible route. The Weavers react with their typical "we'll show 'em" brand of hooting and giggling, as if anyone is fooled, and then they return to their regularly scheduled bitching and complaining about how they're the only decent people left in the race. Ultimately, the combination of their poor driving and the Yield puts them firmly in last place, but of course, at the mat, they are not eliminated. Booo! What's more, Phil decides to give them a pep talk, which means that Phil and I are no longer speaking to each other, by which I mean that I am no longer speaking to Phil through my TV.
Previously on Weavers! In The Morning, Weavers All Through The Night: In Costa Rica, Tony Paolo almost drowned, and DJ couldn't believe his old man would be so selfish as to allow his lungs to fill with water when the family was trying to get somewhere. Parents are so embarrassing. Mama Paolo hoped aloud that DJ wouldn't get married, and somewhere, his putative wife caught her breath hopefully and didn't know why. The race headed to the sweltering landscape of Arizona, where teams explored the distinctive local culture in the form of a traditional go-kart track, just like the ones they used in the olden days. The weird little Roadblock pitted Mama Weaver against Tommy "Bone" Linz, making the whole thing into...well, not so much a clash of the sublime and the ridiculous as something far greater: a clash of two different varieties of ridiculous. The Bransens were non-eliminated, and then the families all executed a Roadblock that managed to be quite boring in spite of involving both the flouting of gravity and the possibility of airborne vomiting. The Weaver girls showed their class and sophistication by throwing trash out of a car window at the Godlewskis and keeping their pinkies in the air the whole time. At the Detour, the Linzes excelled while the Paolos bailed their boat in vain. The Linzes found themselves aced out of the win by the Gadzookskis, and ultimately, DJ, Mama Paolo, and the entire Harangue Gang were bounced from the game and went back to their regularly scheduled arguing and squawking and garbage collecting. Unfortunately, their Philimination was not the perfect outcome, because the Weavers were ramping up their awfulness to the point where I would rather be kissed on the mouth by DJ Paolo with tongue than sit through a massage and pedicure with Rachel Weaver. Also, Nick asked to be called "Alex," and vice-versa.
Credits. In the Sequesterville of my imagination, the Rogers family was made to sit in that boat for the remainder of the race after they were eliminated. I like the idea of Brock being all, "Oh...I don't know, Dad, you can do the rowing. I wouldn't want to go the wrong direction or anything. You know how I can sometimes go the wrong direction. Oh, wait – that was you! My bad!" And then Brock would sneak a cigarette and listen to something really bad-ass on his iPod, like Nickelback. (Brittney, you just know, would be listening to Carrie Underwood singing "Jesus, Take The Wheel.") (Which, incidentally, I am assuming is being marketed ironically, in the tradition of tragic Shangri-Las classics like "Give Us Your Blessings" and "Past, Present, and Future," because otherwise, it kind of makes me cry, and not for the intended reasons.) [BOMP.]