Amazing Race
How's That Face Feel?

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
The agony of non-defeat

Finally, the Bransens arrive and a couple of the Tonyas take the helicopter ride. They're sort of getting that sad Irrelevant Edit in this episode, where by the time they get to everything, there's nothing left to say about it, so they just show what's absolutely critical for plot reasons. It's like being about the third person devoured in a Stephen King book. The Tonyas return, and their family leaves for Moab in last place.

In the Weaver car, Rebecca complains that she "is not digging Utah right now." Rachel adds, "Whoever says the world is getting overpopulated needs come to Utah." Okay, I'll make you a deal, sweetheart. I'll go to Utah, and you can go to Calcutta, all right? Because a vacation in the southwest would do me good, and I think it's more than safe to say nothing would serve you quite as well as a trip to Calcutta. Rolly throws in his two cents: "God must have spent a little less time on this state." This is just so...sad. I mean, have you ever been in the desert in the southwest? It's absolutely gorgeous. They're in or near Monument Valley, for fuck's sake, and they can't do a damn thing but complain. What, I wonder, did they think the race would look like? Do you think they'd be bellyaching less in Bangkok? Or a Parisian sewer? Griping about how gross everything is everywhere you go is so unseemly. And of course, their mother is giggling along, because it would never occur to her to interrupt any of her children's asshole behavior.

Elsewhere, those Linzes -- the ones the Weavers find so crude -- are enjoying (imagine that!) the landscape. In fact, despite waiting through another entire helicopter ride, the Linzes are now right behind the Weavers. After noting what slowpokes the Weavers are pulling the trailer, the Linzes decide to pass, which Nick does. The Linzes give a war whoop on the way by, which of course results in scandalized talk in the Weaver car about how rude the boys are, despite the fact that it is exactly the same thing they did to the pinks a few minutes ago. I think the Weavers need to be followed around by a person holding up a monitor that shows, at all times, the footage of them taken five minutes ago. I'd call it the HypocrisyCam, and I'd put a sign at the top that said, "GOD HATES IMPERFECT RECALL." In spite of their indignation, however, Rolly does manage to make the point that the fact that Rebecca's going 51 miles an hour isn't doing their position in the race any favors. Over in the Linz car, the boys refer to the Weavers as "the Wicked Witch of the East and her two little monkeys." Hee. One of the boys follows with, "Somebody's going to come and drop a house on her head." And...seriously. She would deserve it, mostly for what she's doing to warp the brains of her kids.

In the Bransen car, the Tonyas are talking about the fact that they'd be up for something adventurous and exciting at Gemini Bridges. "I could go for something tranquil," Wally notes dryly. I wonder if that's because he's slow or something. Elsewhere, Christine tries to make conversation with Michelle and Tricia about how it's easier to navigate in the U.S., but they stonefacedly ignore her. See? They really are getting to know each other. And her sisters have learned that if they talk back, she just keeps talking.

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Amazing Race




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