Amazing Race
I Could Never Have Been Prepared For What I’m Looking At Right Now

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Societal fabric softener

Previously on Amsterdammerung: Things got dicey (and more than a little icy) between Chuck and Millie as they demonstrated the age-old wisdom that having known someone for twelve years doesn't mean you should try to read maps together. Tian, whose get-up-and-go had got up and went, pressed her button nose against car windows for a good part of the leg, while Jaree muttered into the rearview mirror that she was going to remove Tian's head without benefit of anesthesia. Or, actually, surgery. Holland was the land of cheese and manure, and both were meant to be enjoyed, although in very different ways. Several teams found the canals a conundrum, and Monica and Sheree needed a dramatic deus ex truckina to avoid being irrevocably ditched. In the end, though, Dave and Steve were finally Philiminated, proving that although the outcome of the race may not be entirely merit-based, refusal to crank the dial past "mosey" will eventually spell the end of you. They kept the cheese, because it had sentimental value. And they were hungry. "Who will be eliminated..." Nabisco announces that in order to improve the health of all Americans, it is introducing fat-free macaroni and cheese made entirely from wheatgrass and recycled railroad ties. "…tonight?"

Credits. This Week's Fun Fact You Can Learn By Zaprudering The Credits With The Assistance of TiVo: David's shorts could really use a more restrictive drawstring. [BOMP.] (Made you look.)

Commercials. Hey, maybe beauty really is a curse if it means you can't get a barbershop full of nitwits to tell you where the damn ATM is.

Accompanied by a brazen musical flourish, we swoop back into lovely Amsterdam, grabbing a view of some nicely synchronized windmills as well as -- you guessed it -- tulips. Ah, tulips. Ubiquitous, iconic, flowery...kind of the Lee Greenwood of Holland, aren't they? Music: "BUMPUMPUMPUMPUM!" We flash across the canals, beginning to get a little jumpy, and then we are at last calmed by the dulcet tones of Phil, who explains that we are in Amsterdam, which is "bursting at the seams with energy." This is a little bit funny, because the predominant features of the shots over which this piece of dialogue is spoken are a guy who looks like he might be lost wandering toward the camera, and then the rear ends of two people in suits meandering off the street like they're on their way to a marketing seminar. But they're all bursting! With energy! Actually, that smallish flock of birds does look rather enthused about the windmill they are predictably flying past. Phil welcomes us back to the Kasteel Muiderslot, a castle outside of Amsterdam that looks very much like the Fisher Price castle of my youth. I keep waiting for the prince to show up. I wonder if the dog ate him -- that's what happened to the one with the round plastic head and the purple tube body that I had back in the day. Phil, by the way, is back to the Episode One XXXL-necked white sweater that makes his head look like a soft-boiled egg in a cup. This week's eat/sleep/mingle segment includes what appears to be a fairly civil dinner among all the teams, but I suspect there is a certain amount of kicking under the table. Phil wonders whether Windmillie and Chuck will hold on to their tenuous lead, and whether Tian and Jaree can get down a jetway without snatching away each other's tickets and ripping them in half.

2:25 PM. Millie and Chuck. I assume it's raining, because if those aren't weather-related hoods they're wearing, they've taken to wearing full-body condoms. Which would seem like rather an extreme step. Upon seeing the clue, Millie yells out, "India! Yes!" and puts her fists over her head in a victory gesture. Wow, that is really too much gumption for 2:25 in the morning. Between 10:00 PM and 8:00 AM, I believe we should all live in a gumption-free zone. Anyway, as Chuck reads the clue, Millie actually babbles over him while he's talking, because Chuck's life is an endless appearance on The McLaughlin Group, and he is stuck in Eleanor Clift's chair. The clue -- to the degree that you can hear Chuck read it -- tells the teams to fly to Mumbai, India. There's a faboo shot of a big flock of birds scattering as we see the generic Mumbai establishing footage, and then Phil explains that the teams will find their way to Film City, which is part of India's well-known "Bollywood" moviemaking complex. According to the teaser footage, this task will feature dancing girls. During his off-the-mat voice-over, Chuck says that he and Millie both get "overly frantic," which I think is an interesting observation, because they do both get frantic, but they do it in completely different ways. He freezes, while she stops thinking and flails around like Animal on The Muppet Show, going, "Eat drums! EAT DRUMS!" As they throw their bags into the cab, Millie asks the driver if she can borrow his cell phone to call about plane reservations. Bunching, schmunching -- she will prevail! Somewhat ominously, Chuck interviews about how important trust is and the degree to which he and Millie don't have it. It's kind of sad, actually. In the cab, she calls and starts asking about flights.

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Amazing Race

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