Amazing Race
I Don't Kiss, I Make Out!

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Miss Alli: C- | Grade It Now!
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Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Go

At the Pathfinder, Phil and the greeter await. The Bransens land on the mat. Welcome, Bransens, you are team number one. And you have won…free gas for life. Probably not literally. It's a good prize, but it has that gross sense of being so sponsor-dictated, you know? Anyway, the Linzes land in second.

And now, the Bus Of The Weavers' Discontent. Rebecca is complaining about their small quantity of sleep, and how they had to do the mud, and then they had to do the shrimp, and then they had to get on the bus, and she's crying now. Mama Weaver then goes into a thing about how she's "a prisoner on a bus," and she's worried for her children. Give me a break! You're no less safe as a "prisoner" on a bus than as a "prisoner" at a pit stop. What is she talking about? This is insane. I don't want to make the little whirly motion around my ear with my finger and start making cuckoo noises, but it's getting harder not to. I mean…a "prisoner"? SIL David interviews that indeed, the Weavers were getting their bitch on fairly fiercely along the way here. There's an edit I really hope is not too creative where Rebecca is whining and moaning, and there's this shot of Billy Gaghan, looking up at the camera and saying, "Can you believeher?" It's totally priceless. Don't miss it. I'm sure he thinks she just needs to breathe in and out and count more.

And now, the famous and very bizarre Waffle House sequence. The group gets off the bus at a Waffle House, where apparently they're being forced to stop. They have become prisoners at Waffle House! I know people who have had that dream, actually. They wake up drooling. In the bathroom, Rebecca is still complaining. I'm not sure why, because truly, nothing is quite so awesome as syrup exposure in the middle of the night, but nevertheless, Rebecca is boo-hooing and whining. Out at one of the tables, Tammy notes to Bill that indeed, the Weavers seem to be losing it. "Good," he says, undoubtedly thrilled that someone else's kids are more immature than his.

Rachel says, "I can't take it, Mommy," and Mama Weaver tells them that they'll all just gloriously lie, then, and pretend to be happy. Mama Weaver claims in an interview that she "reached down and found strength," when it appears that in fact, she reached down and found the crazy, which really didn't require that much reaching, I don't think. Out in the parking lot, the Weavers sort of dance about, apparently believing that this will make them seem sane and happy. What it actually makes them seem to be doing is losing their shit, and that's what DJ says in an interview. When DJ is dissing your mental health, like…that's serious. Really, if that was supposed to be an approximation of what coping looks like, it wasn't a very good one, unfortunately.

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Amazing Race

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