Amazing Race

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Oh, Snapple!
nd on their way to the headmistress's office. They get their Pit Stop clue in sixth place, and read it with a cheering crowd of kids around them, who wave them happily on. They get in a cab, and I feel the need to tell all those Indian children that we don't all wear cowboy hats all the time here.

The Globetrotters arrive at the statue shop and get started. Meanwhile, Gary and Mallory spot the fountain, jump out of their cab, and run right up to Phil and the blue-sari'ed greeter, who luckily for them are waiting in sight of the curb. She welcomes them to Kolkata, and Phil tells them they're team number one. He really should have borrowed Ron and Christina's earplugs, going by the scream that comes out of Mallory. "Are you serous?" she asks. "I'm very serious," Phil says, as seriously as one can manage in the face of a grand-Mallory seizure.

And then he has to start shilling Snapple in earnest. He reminds them of all the tea "references" during this leg, and indicates a tub of iced-down Snapple and Diet Snapple bottles which, according to their labels, are Amazing Race flavored. Yum, tastes like flop-sweat and clue-ink, and the label is printed in a language you can't understand! Phil explains that Snapple has made two new tea flavors, and Gary and Mallory get to try it first. I don't know why this makes Mallory so happy but it does. That's a pretty paltry prize for winning the leg, unless you're a pretty big tea enthusiast. Fortunately, Phil has more good news: "Snapple is gonna treat you to some of the best stuff in India," he says, referencing the stuff's slogan. They'll get an "extraordinary Indian feast, while being entertained with a special performance of a Bollywood-inspired dance, [clips of dance occurring around a table in a hotel suite], plus you will receive one million rupees to share." Before I can check the exchange rate, Phil says that's over twenty thousand U.S. dollars, which is not too shabby. But still, Mallory's more excited about the tea than anything else. After all she drank earlier, you have to really love tea. Or else she's just thinking about her next tea party.

Then we're either looking at a traffic jam or the world's narrowest, noisiest parking lot. Ron has a headache, from the noise and from losing their lead and probably from just generally having to be Ron all the time. Kent waves his and Vyxsin's clue in their driver's face as though directions are the problem. Kisha calls it nerve-racking, and Justin says, "On our way to the Pit Stop and we're in a car that's turned off." Cord points out a sign on a bus that says, "India is great." "India is great," Jet says. They love the traffic, I guess. Or they're conscious of the cameras being on.

The Globetrotters are busy painting, and Flight Time has some festive splotches of pink on his head. Margie and Luke are approaching, the Amazing Foley Guys showing admirable restraint by not making it sound as if Luke is audibly sloshing as he walks. But now the Globetrotters have finished their painting, and are moving on to the decorating as Luke and Margie arrive and get to work painting their own. Stepping up to finish dressing their statue, Flight Time kicks something -- which turns out to have been the bucket of brown paint, which is now spattered all over the statue's blue pedestal, white legs, pink feet, and even the pink belly. Oops, now they have to repaint. Flight Time apologizes, but Big Easy complains, "You're kidding me, man!" Such language!

After some more Snapple-flogging during the ads, Margie is hoping this means they can catch up, while the Globetrotters hurry to touch up their mistake. Lucky for them the paint seems to dry quickly. They're not wasting time with recriminations, because, you know, they never do, even when they have four hours to do it in.

Now the traffic has loosened up for the multi-way cab race o the Pit Stop. Justin gives their driver an extra twenty rupees, because 45 cents will really light a fire under him. The Cowboys are the first out of their cab, and would probably be getting run down by the other teams' cabs but for how they also need to stop and get out. It's a confused footrace, but Jet and Cord are the next to jump on the mat, Cord shaking Phil's hand. Ron and Christina quickly join them. "Good to see y'all!" Cord lies to them. "Make some room, boys," Justin calls as he and Zev run up to join them. Phil greets all six of them and tells them they're teams two, three, and four. Now here come Kent and Vyxsin, nearly getting run over by motorcycles as they run across the street. They join the tea party on the mat and Phil asks if they know which team they are. They have to know they can't be higher than fourth, but for some reason Phil lets Jet and Cord tell them. Jet says, "Team number four." The Goths are pretty happy about that, and Phil has to yell over the noise to correct, "Five!" While everyone hugs, he teases Jet, "Don't you know how to count?" Clearly the Pit Stop mat is not a good place to do math.

The Globetrotters are nearly done with their repair touch-ups while Margie and Luke are still painting their first coat. Unsurprisingly, the Globetrotters finish the Detour in seventh place. But before leaving, Flight Time pauses to give Luke and Margie a hug. "Just respect for not giving up," Flight Time narrates, which means a lot coming from a team who gave up last time. Anyway, Margie was certainly impressed without how sweet it was. Now the Globetrotters have to hail a cab. This is a process that seems to take a long time, as Margie and Luke are getting closer to done and moving on to the dressing of their stature. Is this really going to come down to racist cabdrivers in India?

Kisha and Jen: team number six. "We'll take it," Kisha says. Jen does not tell Phil to shut the fuck up.

Margie and Luke finish and get their clue in last place. The Globetrotters are still trying to secure a cab, in what's starting to look like late afternoon. Long day, man, especially if you think of it having started when they bedded down on the sidewalk at one in the morning. The editing suggests that both teams get into cabs at about the same time, the partners reminding each other not to give up. Standard suspenseful cutting back and forth, and then cutting to the park, and Phil glancing suspensefully at the greeter. A cabbie hurries out of his taxi to open the back door, and a camera careens in on Phil and the greeter, the latter of whom says, "Welcome to Kolkata, India." But to whom?

Flight Time and Big Easy thank her, unsurprisingly. But even if the suspense is over for us, it's not for them, as Phil starts interviewing them before telling them what place they came in at. "You fought to get to the mat like crazy, right? Did everything you could." Big Easy says Flight Time carried them, and emotionally adds that he knows Flight Time didn't want to let him down. "To see him go that hard, that touched me." Flight Time says you don't get many second chances, and "We try to last as long as we can and hopefully it's not over." Ah, he's been paying attention, at least, to what Phil hasn't said. Phil finally tells them they're still in it, and are team number seven. They duly hug.

Finally, here come Margie and Luke, holding hands as they walk to the mat. Luke sets his backpack down on the edge of the mat and sits on it, a portrait in defeat. Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive, and Philiminates them. Luke breaks down, probably crying tears of pure tea at this point, and Margie crouches down to hug him. "I don't hold him responsible for us being eliminated," Margie interviews. On the mat, Luke continues taking the "r" out of "tear ducts." In a solo interview at night, he signs, "Being on The Amazing Race was a big dream for me. I never thought I could be on The Amazing Race in a million years. I had a wonderful time racing with my mom." Then Margie joins him to say, "I'm very proud of you." Big hug, and we see them walking away together, Margie with her arm around him and carrying both their bags. Okay, sad, but he's how old?

So as

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Amazing Race

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