Amazing Race
I Got Electrocuted!

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Going, Going, Gondola
Previously on Twee to Tango: Everyone skedaddled out of Uruguay and hauled ass (or in Donny's case, hauled an ass) to Argentina. Mirna invented a new version of Spanish, unfazed by the stick-in-the-mud cultural anthropologists who continue to refuse to recognize "stop-ay" as legitimate usage, despite its having been found among the ancient graffiti of Seville. A pack of dogs, much to their credit, tried to devour Alison, and when she turned out to be too gamey, they distracted themselves with cheap, meaningless sex. Kami was just as peeved as peeved can be when Chip wouldn't acknowledge the rules she spontaneously wrote about cab-claiming, which coincidentally would have given her the disputed cab. But that is totally not why she wrote the rules that way! Honest! Blessedly, however, the world's most vexing taxi standoff did not delay the involved teams enough to prevent the Philimation of the odious Alison and Donny, who seemed to hate each other on the mat, but who turned out to be only getting started, hate-wise. Now, there are nine teams left. "Who will be eliminated...next?" Oh, I hope it's Alison. Alison, Alison! ...Wait, what? She was? Oh. That's right. Yeah, anyone's fine, then.

Credits. Why are Mirna and Charla dancing around in their yard? Throw in a couple of MGDs and a guy running around with, like, one shoe on, and it feels like just another Friday night on patrol with your neighborhood peace officers. [BOMP.]

Commercials. TGIFriday's has an Atkins-approved menu. Wow, awesome! Or you could just stay home, eat three plates of bacon and eggs, and listen to the sound of thousands of nutritionists crinkling up their diplomas, muttering, "Well, that's fine, nobody needs my highly educated ass, apparently."

We nervously observe various parts of Buenos Aires, as Phil explains that in the "lush countryside" surrounding the city, you will find the teams "relaxing" at La Portena, a "traditional Argentine estate." You know, I have seen some of these people, and I think it's unlikely that they're "relaxing." I promise you, whatever Mirna is doing, she is not relaxing. I imagine something like, "Why isn't anybody helping us eat and sleep? Pequeno bella, is impossible! No can mingle-o!" Elsewhere, Phil is strolling -- man, did Phil get hotter all of a sudden? I've always thought Phil was cute, but they really have gotten a much better bead on how to dress him or something so he doesn't look like such a sixth-grade science teacher, because...yeah. If they ever get the jeans to fit right, Jeff Probst is going to have to go in for chin implants or something just to keep up. Anyway, we move into the pit stop segment, where the main thing I learn is that I still have a really hard time telling Christie and Nicole apart if they aren't with their boyfriends. I don't have trouble when they're in couples, because the Christopher Atkins kind of weird is easy to differentiate from the Bad Ex-Boyfriend Who Kept Some Of Your Underwear kind of weird. Phil wonders whether Chip and Kim will make up with the Twinkies, and whether said Twinkies will get themselves out of last place. Somehow, I suspect both of those teams are going to keep right on sucking wind until there's just no more wind to suck.

11:50 PM. Brandon and Nicole are the first team on the mat. Brandon reads the entire clue like it's a set of queries: "Fly to San Carlos de Bariloche? In Patagonia?" Don't act so confused, Curly. It ain't going to say "Head for Chicago." Some hyper shots of flags follow, and Phil explains for Brandon's baffled benefit that the teams will indeed be driving themselves about 60 miles back to Buenos Aires and to the airport, at which point they'll fly 1000 miles to San Carlos de Bariloche, which is a village at the base of the Andes. When they get there, they'll drive into town and find the mayor, who has their clue. Huh. Well, it's no "find the country represented by this flag," but it doesn't entirely say "go here, nitwit" either. So that's good, I guess. I do love how they edit these little clue-explaining sequences, like we're all visual learners. "They will land [picture of plane], then drive themselves [picture of Jeep] to the mayor's office [picture of mayor]." If you liked See-N-Say, you'll love this kind of editing.

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Amazing Race

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