Amazing Race
I Need Hair to Be Pretty

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Slow Forward

Dave gets up on the fully-decorated elephant with Other Rachel and poses there with her long enough to get the thumbs-up to proceed. Yay, now they get to schlep shit! Brendon and Rachel are still working on dressing up their pachyderm, as Vanessa is trying to stand a high umbrella up on her elephant's back. Other Rachel and Dave get to the wheelbarrows next to the shit-pile and get to work. "We always attempt to maximize our efficiency as a team," Dave says, explaining how Rachel broke up the poo and Dave loaded and pushed the wheelbarrows. Works for the first one. I'm still curious as to how Dave's near-constant putdowns maximize efficiency, though.

Vanessa and Ralph get on their elephant and get to move on. And Dave snaps at Rachel for wanting to actually fill the wheelbarrow before he goes to the truck with his second load. Efficiency: maximized. Vanessa and Ralph join them while Brendon and Rachel awkwardly get onto their elephant, with Brendon in front. "Don't drop any shit, Ralph," Vanessa says as he rolls his first wheelbarrow to the truck. Soon Brendon and Rachel join them. And after two seasons of being on Big Brother, they've dealt with more shit than anyone here.

Art and JJ start getting to work with the screen sifter to shake the rubbish out of the ginger roots, one small batch at a time. JJ has to ride herd on Art to get the technique right, but eventually they get their first box filled. "We're gonna be here a while," JJ realizes. That'll teach them to go for ginger. I always preferred Mary Ann, myself.

The other three teams actually in the race are busy with the elephant poo. Dave's on his twelfth wheelbarrow, but Brendon is frantically making up time, rushing his around like it's Ginger Rogers and he's Jim Carrey. Vanessa, who claims to have been counting the other teams' wheelbarrows and not just her own, suspects that Brendon and Rachel are counting more wheelbarrows than they've actually done. Indeed, as Vanessa states in an interview, she's suspicious of them a lot, just in general. She doesn't say anything to them at the time, though. Rachel floats Vanessa the idea of going to the Fast Forward with Ralph, and Vanessa says she was thinking about it. Now I can't tell if either one of them is serious.

At the Speed Bump, Bopper and Mark put the finishing touches on their belly-tiger (which isn't as artistic as the others, but it's better than most Draw Something renderings) and get their clue from the head priest, along with the forehead-daubing. They're currently in last place, obviously, but the clue is telling them about the Fast Forward, and the "good fortune ritual," the last word of which Bopper pronounces as "roulette." Which is not entirely inappropriate, because they're about to do the equivalent of putting all their chips on zero. They discuss going for it anyway, and without knowing what any of the other teams did, they're taking a chance. Which is a dumb, dumb move, under any other circumstances. The only thing going for them is that Brendon and Rachel are even dumber. Mark gives a triumphant roar as they get in the cab. He sounds like Slim Pickens at the end of Dr. Strangelove, which is also appropriate, because it's one last desperate gesture of futility. They must realize they're doomed either way, so they might as well go for the three-point shot at the buzzer. Only this is more like a hundred-point shot, because it's from space.

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Amazing Race

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