Amazing Race
I Wasn't Even Going To Touch You Until You Slammed My Head Backwards!

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Miss Alli: A | Grade It Now!
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Don't Bite on the Beethoven

The next morning, we careen around Vienna until we come to rest at the sewers, where the teams are all waiting in a big clump. The music sounds like they got it from an especially tense episode of Baretta. (Is there any other kind?) As they wait, Tian heaps scorn on everyone who didn't show up until right before the thing opened, while Millie takes another suck off her inhaler. Uh oh. Tian and Jaree are apparently first in line to go into the sewer, and Jon warns Tian that he's going to be right behind her and coming up fast. Once the guy opens the cover, everyone descends into the sewer. "It stinks like ass," says Josh, sort of getting the point of the whole "sewer" thing a little bit late. "This is disgusting," Kelly says. "Is this...potty water?" No, dear, it's ice cream. What did she think "sewer" meant? Maybe she thought it involved sewing, and the "Historic Sewers of Venice" were people who put buttons back on shirts. Jon, meanwhile, is all excited about overtaking Tian, and not too concerned about leaving Kelly behind. Sure enough, Jon and Kelly pass Tian and Jaree, and are first to emerge from the sewer and find their way across the street to the flag. ["I swear at this point I heard Jaree say something about her pack being too heavy...but maybe I just thought I did." -- Wing Chun] The Chipsters are just behind. The flag tells the teams to "choose a flagged fiacre" and direct their driver about six miles to Schonbrunn Palace. The fiacre, you see, is a horse-drawn carriage, and you claim it by grabbing a pass that's hanging from the door handle. There will be groups of three or four fiacres leaving every half-hour.

The first crowd to get to the fiacre stand are Jon and Kelly, Tian and Jaree, Chip and Reichen, and Monica and Sheree. Jon and Kelly and the Chipsters pile into the first two fiacres, and Monica and Sheree claim the third. Sheree leans over, incidentally, and actually grabs the pass on the door by which you claim the fiacre. The next group to run to the stand includes Millie and Chuck, Al and ClownJon, DadSteve and Josh, and David and Jeff ("Whoooo?"). They're followed by Russell and Cindy and AirSteve and Dave. Incidentally, as Josh reads the clue, the clue makes it very clear that you claim the fiacre by snagging the pass off the door. Chip is trying to get their driver to go, but their driver is pretty much blowing him off. Meanwhile, Al and ClownJon are in line, and notice that you actually have to grab the pass for that to be your fiacre, and neither Chip and Reichen nor Kelly and Jon have done that, even though they're sitting in the carriages. ["I also thought the editing made it look as though Al and ClownJon waited for a brief moment after making this observation, in case Chip and Reichen or Kelly and Jon were just about to grab their passes, but then, when no one did, ClownJon and Al were like, 'Well, they had their chance; let's move.'" -- Wing Chun] Jon goes over and grabs the pass off the fiacre that Chip and Reichen are sitting in. HA! You snooze, you lose, pretty-boys. Chip looks utterly distressed, and at first protests, "No! No, no!," looking very much like an angry little Will Ferrell caricature of himself, while Reichen madly hunches over the clue, finally reading it for meaning. Chip and Reichen eventually notice that Al and Jon are right, and they get out. In a moment I'm sure is quite painful for BuffJon, Tian goes over and does exactly the same thing to him and Kelly. Kelly whaps Jon with the clue envelope, but honestly, she's the one who's got the information, so it looks like she's got herself to blame. As Jon reluctantly gives up the fiacre, he snots to Tian that "it's all right, because you guys are going to self-destruct today or tomorrow." Tian chuckles and assures him that they only want people to think they're going to do that. That would be funny if she weren't so on my list for her behavior all through this episode so far. A frustrated Kelly wants to mouth off to Tian, but when she starts in, no words will come out, so she finally waves her clue in frustration and walks off, trying to make "I can't think of anything to say" look like "I won't even bother." "Let's go, Tian, giddyup, baby!" Jon yells, thinking it sounds snarky. I have to say, Jon is not doing the world's best job of covering up how hot for Tian he is. I mean, I'm no Mensa member, but that one's not too hard to figure.

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Amazing Race

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