Amazing Race
If They're Screwing The Helmet To My Head, It Can't Be Good

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Barbarians at Hell's Gate

2:35 AM. You know who's leaving first, right? Oh, yeah. Colin and Christie. Because they finished first, again, some more, as usual. Colin, while waiting to open the clue, is tapping it against his palm all, "I intensely need to open this clue right now." I'm surprised they ever make it to clue-opening, because I would think that Colin would often eat the clue, like Animal from the Muppets. "EAT CLUE! EAT CLUE!" When he does manage to open the envelope, however, he throws his head back and cackles, and not just because he's himself. He even gives a little fist-pull and a "Yes!" that he is obviously unaware calls to mind a member of the high school audiovisual squad celebrating the arrival of that new battery pack he's been waiting for. And why is Colin all excited? Well, because they're being sent to Auckland, New Zealand.

As Phil (probably also excited about showing everybody the KISS posters in his bedroom) explains, teams will now travel about 7000 miles to Auckland, and when they get there, they'll drive another 220 miles to Rotorua, home of the Rotorua Museum, where the next clue is located. (That was smart, putting the Rotorua Museum in Rotorua. That makes it a lot easier to remember.) (Hey, you may think it sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised how past geniuses have struggled with the concept of museums located in the towns after which they're named.) Phil further explains that in order to get to New Zealand, the teams will first have to stop at a travel agency, because local laws won't let you book international flights out of India directly from the airport. I like the fact that the travel agency sign says they're open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. I guess if you had that particular local law, it would encourage travel agencies to do that, but how much business can they possibly get in the middle of the night? I'm thinking a lot of Scrabble is played in that office. Anyway, Colin gives this weirdly half-assed (or in his case, maybe it's just single-assed where he's usually double-assed), "We're on our way to New Zealand, baby," and they're off. Christie voices over that "as much as [she] loved India, it was time to move on." Didn't they get there, like, yesterday? That's rich. "I enjoy your enormous and culturally diverse country with its population of one billion, but I've been here for 24 hours already, and you can't expect me to stay forever." Christie further informs us that coming in first was a "great morale boost," but she thinks they need to work on having it be all right if everything doesn't go perfectly all the time. I'll tell you what's not going perfectly -- Colin's fashion statement involving that headlamp. That is not going perfectly. That is, in fact, going badly. The headlamp over that hair is just...really, really a bad plan.

At 2:37 AM, Chip and Kim are equally happy to hear about the trip to New Zealand. He voices over that they're "excited" about being in the front rather than dragging behind, although you'd think they'd be used to it by now. "Bottom-feeders" was a long time ago. Kim says they'll have to "get a little smarter" because the teams are all "playing hard" at this point. As the two front-running teams get ready to leave in their taxis, Chip reminds Colin and Christie to look at their clue for the information about the travel agency, and then we hear Chip explain that Colin and Christie are "the number one competitors," and he and Kim know that they'll have to "batten down the hatches and play [their] game." And buckle down! And put their noses to the grindstone! And grab for the brass ring! You can't have too many clichés when there's a million dollars on the line. Full speed ahead! Go to the mattresses! I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore! No wire hangers!

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Amazing Race

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