Amazing Race
I’m Filthy And I Love It

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Sugar, sugar

Previously on Phil Me With Your Light: Teams left Denver, Colorado and immediately went to a whole different country. Fran and Barry and Danielle and Dani realized that motorcycle assembly is harder than it looks, while BJ and Tyler and Eric and Jeremy realized that in a weird way, they are all the same guy. John and Scott and Lisa and Joni left themselves at the mercy of their cab drivers, while Ray and Yolanda felt a little resentful toward the ass-ogling locals. Wanda and Desiree? Delightful. Dave and Lori? Same. Lake just wasn't the same without James Stockdale, and Monica and Joseph dug a spiritual hole by giving themselves a doofy nickname. In the end, John and Scott couldn't recover from a combination of bad luck and bad decisions, and they were the first team out. For the most part, it didn't seem like keeping them around would have made the show any less annoying, if we can put it that way.

Credits. Okay, fine. Don't take my advice about getting rid of the creepy head-turns. I've never been right about anything else, like, say, the entire previous season, have I? No. No, I'm sure I haven't, so feel free to blithely continue including creepy head-turns. I'll just be over here. CRYING.

Commercials. It's not that I wouldn't enjoy having a fancy car, but I swear, some of these commercials make me feel like it's just too much car for the places I usually drive. Like, wouldn't a car that powerful suck the lady at the drive-through window at Starbucks right out into space through the sheer force of its libidinous will?

Sao Paulo includes buildings and fountains, but not in the same way Vegas does, and Phil explains that it's the largest city in the southern Hemisphere. (Eat it, Australia!) Phil says there are "20 million fans of soccer" here. I'm sorry, but I suspect there is at least one dissenter. One person with a "FUCK FUTBOL" shirt, one person walking around in a Lakers jersey, one curling devotee. Somebody in Green Bay doesn't give a shit about the Packers, you know? Anyway, he further explains that the "city's heart beats" at its soccer stadium. God, I was wondering what that infernal thumping was all about. Said stadium was the first pit stop, Phil explains as we see him for the first time. Now who did not straighten Phil before this shot? His shirt is all tilted, like it's bunched up under his left arm. Does no one look after Phil except for me?

We are reminded that all the teams arrived here for their "mandatory rest period." Phil wonders whether Fran and Barry will overcome things like not seeing the clue box 20 times in a row and picking the Detour option most likely to kick them in the ass, and whether Lisa and Joni can avoid last place.

5:34 AM. Eric and Jeremy, suspiciously tagged as simply "the first to arrive," are leaving. I think Jeremy's jacket says "Iceland," which means there are a lot of people in Reykjavik right now who are like, "The hell? We'll own Bjork, but nobody here has ever even heard of this dink." The clue tells them to head to Edificio Copan, which is two and a half miles away. There, they'll find "Bloco F," which I am pleased to report is not a holding pen for drunks. Eric and Jeremy decide to wait for BJ and Tyler, who are just behind them. I received a delightful email this week pointing out that Eric and Jeremy and BJ and Tyler really could both be referred to as Team Choad, which would make things confusing, except that they spend so much time together that they can just be referred to as the Choad Family, which is so handy that I hereby steal it. In an interview, we are informed that girls are "on [Eric and Jeremy's] brains." Poor girls. Talk about winding up in a very small room with nowhere to sit. Eric adds that if they can "get some sex on the race," and then Jeremy says, "Or dating, or something," and Eric goes back to "or sex, then, you know it's good." Wow. You know, if there's one thing you can say about guys who talk about getting some this much, it's that they always, always can back it up with true prowess, not to mention amazing stamina and sheer naked beauty. I'm thinking they can pleasure a woman for two hours without even pausing for a drink of water.

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Amazing Race

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