Previously on Thai Me Up, Thai Me Down: Africa was lousy with ostriches, so everybody hauled ass to Bangkok. Wil and Tara were snotty and overconfident as a result of their alleged familiarity with Thailand, as opposed to other past episodes, in which they were snotty and overconfident as a result of their personalities. Wil promised to be less of an ass in future legs, and thousands of viewers emptied their savings and raced to their local pari-mutuel windows to bet against it. Blake and Paige's dead relatives could hardly believe their luck when three cars showed up in their corner of the great beyond, even though one was soon revoked. Oswald and Danny sprouted a Fern. The right form of transportation was all it tuk-tuk for Chris and Alex to land in first place. (Ugh, sorry.) Cyndi and Russell became disoriented in the course of an urban ornithological quest, and Phil delivered the news: God loves you, but Bruckheimer Films still isn't writing you the big toy check. Who will be eliminated...uh...next?
Credits. Yodel 'em if you got 'em: "Don't! You! Think! That by now they! All! Stink!? They have not washed! Their! Hair! They're out of un-der-wear! No! Clean! Socks! Not since the e-qui-nox! Don't take a breath! When they...are near...you must...steer clear...and please...don't! Be! Thrown! Just hope they wear! Co-logne! They're filthy! [BOMP.]"
Thailand, where the drunken cameramen have apparently gotten into the No-Doz again. Phil tells us that we are at a "traditional river house" called Plai Pong Pang in central Thailand, where the teams have been hanging out and resting up. Mingling et cetera, including a shot of Gary and Tara in which he's looking at her and she's looking at the floor. I think he just told a joke, and she's staring at its decomposing corpse. Dave bandages his leg. Once again, Blake has no shirt on. Blake: Community Chest.
AAAAAAAH! Just after Blake's towel shot, we get a big Gary-in-a-towel shot. You can't fool me -- that is an act of hostility toward people the editors suspect of enjoying shirtless Blake. Can't you just see them saying in their soothing, editor-like voices, "Heeere you go, sweetie, here's a nice boy without much on...and how about THIS, Miss Smarty-Pants!" And then they cackle. It's quite disturbing if you ruminate on it for a while. Fortunately, the route-marker, sealed-envelope, Exposition-Hands sequence remains the same, so my grip on reality is quickly restored. Phil wonders aloud whether Wil can maintain his new "humble attitude," and millions of people look at their TVs and yell, "Oh, yeah, RIGHT!" Wil, incidentally, is still wearing The Hat. It has not gotten any more attractive. Phil wonders whether Tara will keep flirting with Alex. I think it's safe to say that if Wil doesn't stop wearing The Hat, she almost certainly will. It's a little-known fact, but before no-fault divorce was instituted, that hat was one of the legally sufficient grounds for dissolution.
6:11 AM. Boston. (Incidentally, now that Boston Rob was voted off Survivor, the New England reality-television contingent has improved its overall decency quotient so much that I can almost forgive Chris for not having a neck.) Chris, as usual, is carrying The Amazing Purse. (Have you seen these? This season, all the teams have these little red-and-yellow striped bags, which appear to be adaptable as shoulder bags or fanny packs.) The clue tells them to go to Bangkok and find a flower vendor at a particular intersection. More drunken, caffeine-guzzling cameramen fly down the river, as Phil Phil-overs that the teams will take a boat to Ampawa, then have to figure out how to get to Bangkok. Turns out there's rather a large and sprawling flower market at this particular location, so finding the particular flower stand that carries the flag is the challenge. Phil concludes with his best dramatic delivery of the week: "The largest...flower market...in Thailand!" In their spoon-fed longboat (sigh), Chris and Alex luxuriate in the pleasures of being in first place. "Chris and I have said from the beginning that this is where we should be," Alex interviews. Well, my dears, I'm glad you've finally reached your deserved position. I'm assuming that now that you've corrected the anomaly, you'll cruise straight through to the end and everything. Nice shot in the boat from Chris's Crotch Cam, by the way. Ay yi yi, this show is on at 8:00 in the Central time zone, you know. Out east, that's your family hour.