Amazing Race
I'm Not A Miner! No, You're An Idiot!, Part II

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Dorks on Golf

In Part One of this two-leg evening, Oswald and Danny reinvented the concept of "racing" by proving that sometimes the real time-saver is taking the afternoon off to contribute to the local consumer economy. Gary and Dave put on perhaps the worst display of boat navigation in history not involving Alaskan oil tankers or icebergs, while Boston made like the U.S.S. Constitution. Wil and Tara vacillated about the Fast Forward, eventually leaving it in Hong Kong along with whatever scraps of civility remained between them. Thunk and Boston were back on the bus, y'all, and Chris voiced my opinion of Gary more neatly and accurately than I ever could have. The Aussie cozzie was wasted on Ozzie, but Dave (dog!) dug the doll's duds. The Teeth experimented with a mysterious style of travel in which they got in a cab with no idea of where they were going and feverishly hoped to emerge at the right location, but they were quickly convinced to return to more conventional styles of navigation, such as emergency cell phone calls to local tourist bureaus to plead for assistance. Wil and Blake flubbed the Roadblock after failing to read the directions, because everything they really need to know, they failed to learn in kindergarten. At the non-elimination pit stop, Cha-Cha-Cha came in first, Boston slid into second, Gary and Dave thunked their way into third, Taraweasel squeaked out an avoidance of last place, and Blake and Paige once AGAIN managed to avoid elimination despite richly deserving it after making two potentially fatal errors in the same episode. Now, however, there is no more escaping the inevitable axe -- at the end of this chapter of our story, somebody will be out.

It gets dark in Sydney as our teams rest up for the next leg. Phil provides a shiny new "who will be eliminated tonight?" speech, complete with Horns of Perseverance, but there is no second round of credits, so there are no theme song lyrics for me to write. Oh, thank God. I mean...uh, what a bitter disappointment!

8:26 PM. Cha-Cha-Cha tears open the clue, which tells them to get themselves to BridgeClimb. Phil exposits that the next clue is at the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, which is, in sophisticated architectural lingo, a big honkin' archy deal. You've seen it in pictures, along with the opera house. (Nice aerial shot.) Owing to the hazardous nature of scaling something of this magnitude, and owing to what is probably a sweet exclusive contract with the city, the only way to climb the bridge and its two hundred stairs is to sign up with a particular company called BridgeClimb. Now that is a business with a specialty. What's even more remarkable is that it appears to occupy a whole big building with its name on it. How can a business that ties people to little safety harnesses so they can walk across a bridge on a bunch of stairs be successful enough to have its own big building? I'm wondering if they do something else, like coach you in actually doing a Spider-Man up the side of the bridge, because I can't believe the stairs alone could pay the rent. Phil goes on to explain that although the teams can't climb until 5:45 in the morning, they have to walk across single-file with a few minutes separating each team, so they do need to hustle over to BridgeClimb and sign up to claim their spot in line.

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Amazing Race

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