Amazing Race
I'm Not His Wife — He Doesn't Need To Scream At Me

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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A Few Leaders And A Bunch Of Oslo-Rans

Up ahead, Freddy realizes that he's missed the exit he wanted. "I can't believe we got lost; this is horrible," he says. Hey, what happened to his magic strategy of reassuring Kendra that everything would be fine? In his car, Gus is asking for directions, and it appears that he, too, has perhaps missed a turn. Apparently, the ski jump is the most obscure icon ever. Also lost are Don and MJ, who are marooned "way off the map." She laments that the navigating was supposed to be their strength, even if they weren't "as strong as the kids." Aw. "We were going to be smarter," she says with some irritation. "What happened?" Heh. I think MJ is the kind of grandma who gets you savings bonds for Christmas, and if you don't like it, you can damn well get a job and buy your own damn videogames.

A crashing noise, appropriately enough, takes us to the drama of the Spazpantsmobile, where Victoria is trying to explain that there's nothing helpful on the map. "There's nothing, there's nothing," she keeps repeating. We next see them pulled over and asking someone for help. In the car, Victoria squeaks, "I am so upset that we keep taking the wrong ones." And when I say "squeaks," I mean, "squeaks." You remember Beaker from the Muppets? Yeah, she sounds like that. And...that, actually, more than Jonathan's behavior, was the moment when I wondered whether their entire thing is some kind of a giant put-on. Because I just cannot believe any woman could really behave this way. It's only a matter of time before a reality show gets Punk'd, and I wondered briefly whether this might be it happening. But anyway, Jonathan says in an interview that "Victoria has some challenges within herself." I think Victoria's "challenges" are only "within herself" during sex, if you know what I mean, and I know you do. The rest of the time, her challenges are right next to her, hollering and raising their arms, awash in delusions of grandeur. Back in the car, Victoria moans about the fact that Jonathan couldn't make a decision, and now she's going to wind up being blamed. His interview continues with his insight that Victoria's worst quality is being "a panicker." So of course, he does all he can to keep her from panicking, even taking the drastic step of haranguing her like a deranged personal trainer. He won't forget, can't regret what he did for looooove!

We return to Meredith and Maria's now-happy car, in which they're very chipper until they have to pay a toll. "I hope I don't stall out at the toll," Maria says. And then she stalls out at the toll. If I were Maria, I would have thrown a wad of money at the attendant, yelled "SORRY!," and barreled through, just hoping they'd overlook it. They're probably too busy with drug traffickers to chase toll runners, don't you think?

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Amazing Race

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