Amazing Race
It Doesn't Say Anything About First Come, First Served. And We're Bigger.

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Miss Alli: A | 1 USERS: A+
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We Open in Venice

1:16 AM. Kelly and Jon share a little smooch on the mat, and then they open the clue. It sounds like he wants to walk to the hill, but she wants a cab. In an interview, she says that now that they're engaged, she wants to reassure him that their married life will be just as exciting as his "bachelorhood." She pronounces "bachelorhood" with exaggerated wacky hand gestures that make clear her precise feelings about the concept of worshiping "bachelorhood" as if it were distinguished primarily by great independence and excitement, rather than by the freedom to use the same towel for a year and a half. Jon, meanwhile, says that Kelly is "really blossoming" on the race, which is a perfectly lovely thing to say. Appropriate, too, provided that she's his twelve-year-old granddaughter.

AirSteve and Dave. At the top of the hill, they root for gravity to take over. No, they do. Like this: "Gravity! Gravity! Gravity!" Heh. You've got to go with your natural allies, after all. AAAAAAAAAH! They forego the double-axel, and then at the bottom of the hill, they plan to wait for the next team to show up and snag that team's cab to the train station. Risky, because if there's one thing that several seasons of reality shows will teach you, it's that you should never bet against how stupid other people can be.

Speaking of which, here come Jon and Kelly, hopping out of their cab. "Where's the top of the hill at?" Kelly asks, drawing a cringe from her seventh-grade English teacher. When their taxi is gone, Jon realizes that they've been dropped off at the top of the hill rather than the bottom, meaning that they're out of position to grab the raft van, which the clue told them they had to do. Stuck at the top of the hill rather than the bottom, Jon and Kelly consider their options. The twangy guitar music barely skitters through the narrow no-man's-land between copyrights controlled by Gary Glitter on one side and Booker T. and the MGs on the other. Jon sees only one thing they can do, so he -- still wearing his pack -- backs up a few feet, gets a running start, and heads down the hill on his ass. Just like the sledding, except that there's no sled.

Three things. First of all, that hill is icy, and Jon's lucky he didn't break his damn neck. Second of all, if there's one thing I've learned since I moved to the frozen tundra, it's that places where people do activities like this are groomed like neurotic French poodles to get them to work exactly right, and Jon could easily have punched it into a malformed Sno-Cone by pounding down that hill with his feet splayed out all over the place leaving grooves and tracks and holes everywhere. Having said that, third of all? Pretty cool. It displays a fairly fearless mindset that may serve Jon well. AirSteve and Dave are watching with interest from afar as Jon's body hurtles down the slope, muttering that they hope this "idiot" doesn't hurt himself too badly. As if he can hear them, Jon actually hops to his feet without even coming to a full stop at the bottom and jogs away from the hill, so eager is he to demonstrate that he is uninjured. At the top, Kelly is very tentative about the whole thing, but eventually gets herself sliding, and she makes it down as well, with Jon sort of looking like he intends to catch her at the bottom. "I want to see who these two idiots are," Dave says, and then he realizes that it's Kelly and Jon. AirSteve and Dave mutter about how stupid the kids are, but having watched it, it doesn't look like it turned out that badly for Jon and Kelly. I mean, you can gripe about it all you want, but it comes out sounding jealous.

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Amazing Race

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