Amazing Race
It's a Great Place to Become a Millionaire

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B | 1 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Stumbling Toward Ecstasy

So now it's down to Team Big Brother vs. Team Penultimate in the search for the mat, in a final mean-girl showdown. But it's Brendon and Rachel who make it to the mat next and Rachel does her patented leg-wrap around Brendon and cries when Phil tells them they're team number three. In their post-leg interview, Brendon says they haven't won yet and Rachel agrees that they're the underdogs, but they believe they can do it. Self-awareness has never been their strong suit.

"Phil! Holy cheese and crackers!" Vanessa says after suddenly spotting him and the greeters from about fifty feet away. They're welcomed to Osaka and are not at all surprised to hear they're the last team to arrive and are about to be Philiminated. "I'm sorry," Vanessa whispers to Ralph. But Phil tells her she should be proud of herself for digging deep and never giving up. Ralph tearfully says he'd never want to do this with anyone else. He says they've had their "Bavaria," and they're closer because of it. Nice spin. "From here on out, it's smooth sailing," Vanessa adds. "Unless there are rubber chickens." Well, now Ralph knows how to get at her if he ever really wants to.

Then there's the de rigeur montage of big-talking from the final three in advance of the final leg. JJ says they have one more leg and they win, like it's a date on the calendar that's going to come no matter what they do. Other Rachel says they hope to beat Art and JJ because "they've been assholes to us." Rachel tells us how badly she and Brendon want it. Art says, "Bring it on, let's go." Dave dorkily boasts, "We will successfully complete Operation Amazing Race within the next leg." "Nothing comes between me and my million dollars," Rachel says, deploying her obnoxious catchphrase that will remind the entire audience at home why they've been rooting against her all season and will continue to do so. As for me, I can't believe I'm going to have to recap all twelve legs of this race without ever getting to stop using the phrase "Other Rachel."

After a round of ads, the second hour opens like a freestanding episode as Phil tells us, "Osaka is known as Japan's kitchen and as a hub for this country's food industry." Yes, I assumed that's what "Japan's kitchen" meant. In case you forgot about the Pit Stop from five minutes ago, Phil tells us about Nishinomaru Garden. "Located on the grounds of Osaka Castle, it is now the start of the twelfth leg [gong!] in a race around the world. Once again, Other Rachel and Dave are the first to leave at 4:15 PM. They're pretty happy to learn that they're going to the island of Oahu. Phil elaborates, "Teams will now take their final flight to Honolulu, Hawaii. Once they land, they need to figure out that they need to find the twin towers known as Mauka and Makai. It is here [on the ground between them, actually] that they'll find their next clue." Dave interviews that they've proven themselves to be "one of the three best teams to ever compete in the race itself. No other team has won more than seven legs." That's because the producers didn't used to pack the cast with morons. "If and when [Other] Rachel and I win, that will be our eighth leg and [Other] Rachel and I will set ourselves apart and set a precedent of being the winningest-most [sic] team on The Amazing Race." In the cab, Other Rachel says that Hawaii is a great final destination. "Great place to become millionaires," Dave agrees. Not to mention becoming the winningestmostest team everest.

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Amazing Race

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