Amazing Race
It's a Great Place to Become a Millionaire

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B | 2 USERS: A
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Stumbling Toward Ecstasy

I don't know how JJ and the balance-challenged Art got across the fishpond at all on those paddleboards, but we cut right to them arriving at the giant mat, still wearing their life jackets. "Congratulations, you guys deserved it," JJ says to the winners, apparently having picked up a little class somewhere on the trip from the Roadblock. Phil congratulates the Border Patrol on being team number two. JJ tries to put a brave face on it, saying, "It was a spectacular journey. And because we didn't win doesn't diminish it, right, Art?" Art agrees, as always, and JJ says it's bittersweet, saying they won and lost, but they did it together. "Not bad for a couple old guys, huh?" Art cackles. JJ says the experience is worth more than a million dollars. "It's priceless." So... not a waste after all, then?

Brendon and Rachel carry their paddleboards up the dock and finally make it to the giant mat as team number three. Rachel gives herself a hand, because it's not like anyone else is going to. Phil asks them if they got what they wanted out of the experience. Rachel says, "It was a cool experience for Brendon and I to do together as a couple." By the way, she looks like warmed-over shit, with her five-hundred-dollar extensions so befouled with wind, rain, mud, seawater, sweat and her own murky thoughts that she'd probably regret skipping the Fast Forward if she could see herself. Phil asks if they've made amends with the other teams and while Vanessa showily looks away and out over the ocean, Brendon says, "As soon as the race is done, and things are over, I think everybody doesn't really give a crap any more." Sure, tell yourself that. He adds that it was an amazing experience. "So thank you, guys," he concludes. The only applause he gets is a "yay!" from Rachel. Afterwards, they interview about how the race has tested their relationship (and it failed, as always, but it just keeps going), and even when they fight they know about the great love for each other at their core. Way, way down deep in their core where nobody will ever see it. Rachel says it was "an amazing experience that I'll never forget and it will be cherished the rest of my life." By somebody, somewhere, I'm sure. Hug-party on the mat, and for some reason we hear from fifth-place team Mark and Bopper again, as Mark talks about how much they appreciate the opportunity to be taken out the country and be sent around the world. Stubble-headed Bopper says he did it all for his little girl and would do it all again. Just next time, be a little more careful getting out of the Land Rover. Everyone who hugs Bopper keeps rubbing his head, which must be a nice bonus. And a final word from the winners: "Operation Amazing Race has been a complete success," Dave dorks. "The eight victories and setting a new record is just the epitome of success." "And to have done that together is priceless," Other Rachel adds. "It's such a wonderful thing." And now they can go back to bickering at home in private. Finally, the music that plays over the final credits is like an upside-down version of the theme song from that TV show that Taylor Wily's on. Hawaii Faux-O? Hawaii Five-No? I'm sorry, these two-hour finales wear me out.

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Amazing Race

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