Amazing Race
It's Like Adam Building His First House!

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Phoenix Is the New New York

Previously on You Phil My Heart With Gladness: Dodger Stadium. Bad driving. Alps. Windmills. Trains. Stinking. Fish. Mud. Poo. Beethoven. Creaky knees. Champagne. Fighting. Moles. Jumping. Wheezing. Line ethics. More line ethics. Being bleeped. Laundry. Nutbunches, nutbunches, nutbunches! Ultimately, a whole bunch of people fell by the wayside. Team Who dodged repeated bullets and almost exterminated Gidget, but they made it to the final three. Kelly and BuffJon were all "go fuck yourself" and "asshole" and "freak" and "yer mom" and that sort of thing, but they made it to the final three. The Chipsters did not want you to question their integrity, and they experimented with some pretty adventurous stressed-out facial expressions involving muscles you never even knew you had, but they made it to the final three. Phil wore a lot of heartbreaking sweaters. And now? "Tonight, one of these three teams will win..." A new book of the Bible is discovered, and it is entitled, Re: Wicked screensaver! "...The Amazing Race."

Credits. This week's Fun Fact You Can Learn By Zaprudering The Credits With The Assistance Of TiVo: Two words: Skating. Lessons. Just saying. [BOMP.]

Commercials. Ah, the wonderment of childhood. That magic time of mystery and simple truths when you wonder about the really big questions, like how individually wrapped cheese slices can possibly taste so good when the similarly constructed sleeve of a raincoat tastes so bad.

Phil welcomes us to "the tropical north coast of Australia." He assures you that it is "a seaside paradise" (as opposed to last week's very different "seaside playground"), and illustrates this with a shot of a strolling woman who actually looks like she's suffering from an extreme case of seaside ennui. I suppose paradise would get monotonous after a while, what with the lack of challenges. You'd need a hobby. Phil strolls on a beach in his mossy button-down shirt and khakis, explaining that Ellis Beach is the twelfth and final pit stop. We learn nothing of eat/sleep/mingle this time, in favor of extra shots of teams high-fiving on the mat. Because what's more informative and relevant to the narrative than teams high-fiving?

1:47 AM. Team Who, apparently leaving in the general vicinity of some scenic palm trees and a bright, round, low-hanging moon you could slap right into your tourist brochure. They rip and read their clue, which tells them to take what Phil explains will be a twenty-mile drive to the Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park. (That's CHAP-u-kai, roughly, according to Phil's pronounce-over, as opposed to David's cha-POOK-ie, hee hee.) Phil tells us that there, they will participate in a ritual having something to do with fire, and then they'll get their next clue. I'm not sure I like the idea of any of these teams coming near fire. I wonder if they could use little flashlights. Anyway, as they run to their car, Jeff interviews that they think they're going to win. "We have performed exactly the way we wanted to," he says. So, all that driving around and all the near-death experiences? Totally in the plan. I have a feeling it's a complex plan with a lot of Wite-Out on the original documents. Jeff also insists that they've "made the least amount of mistakes." I guess he doesn't count using "amount" with "mistakes," I guess. Putting aside the usage issue, this provides the Amazing Editors with a chance at my favorite thing -- one of their ass-kicking edits of Hey, We Didn't Say Anything, We're Just Cuttin' Tape Here. They wisely choose to go directly from this declaration of competence to a shot of Who trying to close the back doors of their SUV, clanging the doors together, and nearly avoiding being caught in the forehead by the kickback. Snerk. On the third try, Jeff gets the doors closed. That was totally in the plan, too.

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Amazing Race

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