Wait, am I high, or did that really happen?
Okay, this two-hour extravaganza starts out in South Africa, where Ray and Deana gut out a Fast Forward and Rob and Amber chase it in vain, putting the latter in the back of the pack temporarily. A Detour sends a couple of teams through a fairly cushy scavenger hunt and sends the rest into a cave, where Gretchen manages to fall and cut her head. And as head wounds do, it bleeds a lot, which is pretty scary. Ray and Deana win that leg, and win cars, which will bother me endlessly, and the injured Gretchen and Meredith pull up in last place. Fortunately, it's non-elimination, which seems kind of good, since medical emergencies are not a good way for victory and defeat to be decided. Oh, and they take all of Gretchen and Meredith's stuff, which seems kind of harsh.
In the second leg, the teams head to Botswana, where the stupidity of the nonsense between Lynn and Alex and Rob and Amber only intensifies, and all are reminded that alongside Rob's appealing streak of Playful Scamp exists a very unappealing streak of Sniggering Asshole that has a particular tendency to come out when things aren't going so well.
And then it gets awesome. Brian and Greg wreck their Jeep, resulting in a pretty scary injury to their camera guy (that's not what's awesome). Lynn and Alex, to their credit, stop to see if they can help, and then Rob and Amber, to their non-credit, don't -- they at least should have slowed down and rolled the window down or something. They don't, however, and so Lynn spends the rest of the episode telling everyone who will listen that the boys wrecked their car, but THAT'S NOT REALLY THE IMPORTANT THING, because the important thing is that ROB AND AMBER DIDN'T STOP. Basically, everyone is an idiot about this particular thing. But that's not the awesome part either. The awesome part is that the boys have to wait around a long time for a replacement Jeep to come, but when they get to the Detour, they find that some teams are still there, including Ray and Deana, who apparently cannot work together long enough to complete a simple task, so intense is their dislike for each other. The teams finish different Detour options at about the same time, and they take off for the pit stop within sight of each other. Jeep race! And then they're at the pit stop, and they get out, and Brian and Greg smoke Ray and Deana in the foot race, and Brian and Greg are saved and Ray and Deana are eliminated and I think I need to lie down. That was the awesome part.
Previously on I've Been Through The Roadblock On A Horse With No Shame: Everyone raced to Buenos Aires, where a horse dumped Joyce on her fanny repeatedly, and another horse suffered the Wrath of Ray, making it the ugliest rode-hard-and-put-away-wet being on the show, other than Deana herself. (Oh, I didn't want to, but I couldn't not.) The lead teams were so delighted that Rob and Amber missed their flight that they were slightly unprepared for the part where Rob and Amber didn't actually miss their flight. Gloating and grousing ensued. Ray and Deana thought they were a lot better than everyone else, and certainly weren't going to hang with any bottom-feeders just because they've seen nothing but asses in front of them (and not just in the mirror -- har har!) since practically the beginning of the race. Susan and Patrick argued to the point of Un! Comfortable!, and ultimately were Philiminated just in time for group. No, seriously. Seven teams are left. Who will go next?
Credits. I miss Ryan and Chuck. It's an awfully long road without a team that specializes in saying stuff like, "I don't know whuuut." [BOMP.]
Commercials. You know, they really should give you a backrub when they change your oil. That would be awesome. I might change mechanics, though. [Shudder.]
We return to Buenos Aires, which is the "economic and cultural center of Argentina." So put that in your weekly geography test, dummy. We are outside the city at a polo club, momentarily paused during this, a "racearoundtheworld." Phil wonders whether everyone else -- and by "everyone else," we mean "Lynn and Alex" -- will continue to bug out over Rob and Amber's good luck. He also wonders whether Meredith and Gretchen will be able to drag their fannies out of last place in time for the Early Bird Special. (And with that, Miss Alli makes her one allotted "Early Bird Special" joke of the season at the expense of the old people, qualifying her for her big moment at open mic night in the Catskills at the Candlelight Lounge, where the special will be veal Marsala.)
3:00 AM. Rob and Amber rip their clue, which tells them to fly to Johannesburg, South Africa. Phil explains that this is more than 5,000 miles, and when they land, they'll choose a marked car that has a clue inside. They are getting $217 for the leg, for what appears to be no particular reason, although whoever it was who used to be fascinated by palindromes has apparently retired as Race Banker. You'd at least think they could offer me a theme next time. Maybe prime numbers? As they leave in a taxi for the airport, Rob says that he and Amber have had the angels on their side throughout the race up to this point, and "without it, [he doesn't] think [they'd] still be around." I hope you enjoyed that, because it was the last gracious thing you'll hear him say for the next two hours.
3:38 AM. As Brian and Greg rip open their clue, Brian says, "All righty, I do believe today will be a doozy." I love them. LOVE them. I have never had any problems with anyone who can use the word "doozy" and mean it. They tend to be dorky squares, and I love dorky squares. Brian and Greg read the clue and get all pumped about going to South Africa, not that they're not generally sort of pumped individuals. They point out in a voice-over that they're the only team remaining in the race that isn't a Loooove Team. "So, we're hopefully going to see some self-destruct buttons going off in these relationships," Brian offers. And as Sars told you last week, he? Is a fox. It's Brian, though, not Greg. Greg's the kind of doughy one who's probably equally awesome, but slightly less hot. I apologize for the trouble that remark will cause at family gatherings, where I frankly think this is a family that will buy Greg a shirt that says "DOUGHY" on the back or something. ["I wouldn't kick him out of bed, either. They're both rad." -- Sars] They take off in their cab.