Amazing Race
Low To The Ground, That's My Technique

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The Pill Of Victory

Eric programs his code into the vault. Pink and Kandice are sent into the vaults to try to guess the codes. Mirna enters the code and goes to get Charla.

Pink picks the BQs as least trustworthy. Kandice picks Rob and Amber, which was originally the right answer, but now isn't. Pink correctly picks Charla and Mirna for sense of humor, and Kandice picks Oswald and Danny -- wrong. Pink picks Rob and Amber for overrated, as does Kandice. Charla picks Oswald and Danny for sense of humor -- wrong. Both Pink and Kandice correctly pick Uchenna and Joyce for staying in touch with. Neither of their codes work -- Pink has the "least trustworthy" question wrong; Kandice has that one and sense of humor both wrong. Charla's is wrong, too. Pink tries another code. Kandice changes "least trustworthy" to Kevin and Drew. Sigh. See how it's feeling random here. Neither of them actually got it right, so now it's really just guessing.

And the first one to come up with the right guess is Pink, so she gets to leave first. The clue they've retrieved sends them to the main entrance of the Botanical Gardens. Which...is where the finish line is. Isn't this great? Isn't this exactly what the race should come down to? Shit-talking other teams? That is completely the spirit of this show, isn't it? I know that's why I watch it. To see people rewarded for agreeing on who else sucks.

Kandice and Charla just keep on guessing. But Kandice's time expires, so she leaves with Dustin. Their sense is that it's been about two minutes since Eric and Pink left. They hop in their taxi. Charla's time runs out, too.

Teams are all in taxis, having the typical taxi race to the finish line. What you are meant to notice is that Eric and Pink are complaining about all the red lights, while Dustin and Kandice are noting that they're hitting green lights. Very convincing!

Let's just get to the part with the other teams clapping at the finish line. Guess what? It's Eric and Pink. Seriously. Not dating, clearly don't like each other, were clearly put on the show as a cooked-up gimmick because somebody thought a dating couple made up of people from different teams would be great, includes a woman who (I'm sorry) is one of the most boring humans the show has ever featured alongside a dude who has no shtick but his old shtick...this is the end of All-Stars, which fans obsessed about beginning after maybe four races. This. Is your ending. I mean, it doesn't really matter, and they're not the first suck-ass winners or even the worst suck-ass winners (though they're certainly close), but the show couldn't really have given a bigger finger to an awful lot of fans with the way this was cast, because they forgot the biggest rule of casting -- never cast anyone who would genuinely ruin the season by winning. Furthermore, it's not like people watching the show aren't smart enough to know that "dating" with these people is bullshit. They don't even like each other; they're here because this was how they could get on the show. It was just a very, very badly planned leg and a very, very badly constructed final task. And I say that in spite of the fact that this is only my second least favorite team winning. I mean, does anybody think that Eric and Pink know each other better than Dustin and Kandice or Charla and Mirna? Of course not. Does anybody think Pink is smarter or more insightful about other people than Kandice or Charla? Of course not. It was a four-digit combination, and there were limits on what teams were even in the realistic running for each question, meaning that there was a certain amount of room for guessing, and Pink hit the right guess first. Really, the only relevant "racing" in the entire leg was the taxi ride at the very end. Oh, and one more thing -- production might try sewing up some loose lips around the office, because the entire finish order, including the order of the final three, was public before the season started, which clearly didn't come from sightings by fans -- it came from inside. Just something to think about.

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Amazing Race

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