Amazing Race
Low To The Ground, That's My Technique

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The Pill Of Victory

11:53 AM. Dustin and Kandice. In their matching black tank tops that make them look like the world's prettiest ninjas, they read the clue that sends them to Honolulu, Hawaii. Nice town! I recommend the enormous bowls of raw fish, which in many places, I do not. This trip will be about 3800 miles. When they get to the Honolulu airport (which, I will tell you, smells like fresh flowers inside, which is completely disorienting), they'll find their way to the Kamaka Air Hangar and sign up for a helicopter flight to the island of Lanai. Shaped like a comma; used to be a big pineapple plantation. Give it up for Lanai! They get $201 for the leg. And that last dollar is the one that's going to bring it home! Seriously, I would love to know how they calculate how much money you get. ("Two hundred even! No, wait -- we forgot, they'll need a pack of Juicy Fruit and a tampon.") They run to their car and hop in. Dustin interviews that getting into the top three has just filled them with confidence. She thinks they will be showing us new "fearlessness." She is more fearless than I am, because going into this leg, I have many fears. Mostly that they will not win. Which means someone else will win, unless fans rise up en masse and form a blockade across the finish line, preventing either of the other teams from finishing first. I'll bring the thermos of coffee; you guys go there and link arms, okay? It'll be like Hands Across America, but it'll be Hands Across Phil. Hey, that sounds kind of good. I'll be in the middle.

12:55 PM. Eric and Pink. Eric is in his "COLEGE" shirt...again. Somebody needs to tell him that when the shirt has a funny joke on it (which that only arguably is at this point), you can't wear it every day. All ironic shirts, no matter how much you like them, cease to be funny when worn in public fifteen times in a month. Pink explains as they leave the mat that there's all this pressure, because they "definitely want to win." Incidentally? They are not dating. They were not dating when the race started. Whether or not they were ever "dating" seems to depend on your definition of "dating," if you take my meaning. This is the info that was passed at the party, so...I'm just saying. Badly done, show. Because...number of people you fooled? Not very many. It's not like I need to see people who are dating or anything, but part of the charm of the show is supposed to be that the people have a relationship with each other. And "appeared on the same season of a reality show" does not qualify as a relationship for that purpose. I mean, I think the reason why this team bores me so much, in addition to the fact that they're both intrinsically uninteresting, is that they barely know each other, and you can tell. I mean...they know each other, perhaps Biblically, but not actually. The audience isn't made up of idiots; we don't ascertain every subtlety, but we know the difference between "dating" and "not even friends, really." Anyway. Eric tells us how bitter he is about the fact that he and Jeremy lost to the Fake Hippies last time. In fact, he says it's the most bitter thing he's ever dealt with, which makes him a pretty lucky guy: "The worst thing that ever happened to me was not getting an ass-pile of free money" is something many of us would love to be able to say. He says he wants a shot at redemption. He doesn't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard -- oh, wait. HE ALREADY IS ONE. And the cartoon, interestingly, is Beavis and Butt-Head. They drive off for the airport. I swear, listening to Pink sit there and not do anything really makes me want to apologize to Flo. More horrible, but at least more relevant to her team. Relevant both positive and negative, but at least she wasn't luggage. An albatross at times, but not luggage. Actually, maybe I won't apologize.

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Amazing Race

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