So, as you know, every finale has to start out with a bunch of activities in Alaska, Hawaii, or Canada that wind up meaning nothing, and this time, we're in Hawaii. A watery Detour sends the BQs reeling into their very first fight ever, which winds up not making them look all that bad, since it sounds like a training video about productive conflict ("I am having my feelings hurt by you right now!" "I acknowledge your feelings, but am also frustrated myself!") To the surprise of absolutely no one, all three teams wind up on the same flight to the final city of San Francisco, where everything leads up to a final task in which you have to guess what your partner said when asked to gossip about other teams. No, really. That's the final task. And because Eric and Pink are nothing if not full of simplistic opinions, she has no trouble at all guessing what he would have said. And with that, Pink -- yes, the lady herself -- manages to pull down the victory for herself and Eric. The BQs nab second, leaving Charla and Mirna in third. The unbroken streak of weirdly unsatisfying All-Star winners of various shows continues, and we are all reminded that if a team would make an incredibly gross victor, you really shouldn't put them on the show in the first place. Fortunately, we can all feel confident that Eric and Pink used the race to solidify and strengthen their entirely nonexistent romantic relationship. Aren't you glad that with all the teams that could have been chosen for an All-Star season, we wound up here?
Previously on I Say "All," You Say "Stars" -- "All"..."All"...Anyone?: John Vito and Jill went out early after having taking a sentimental journey back to incredibly bad luck with navigating. Drew and Kevin went home sick with the flu, with prescriptions for (respectively) chicken soup and bald triplets who will emerge from the womb, look at each other, and simultaneously say, "What is with THIS idiot?" Mary and Dave went home tired but happy. They honestly were happy just being nominated. Rob and Amber went home to begin production on their next reality show: Rob And Amber Can't Believe It Either. Ian and Teri went home rehabilitated and smoochyfaced, Bill and Joe went home to unpack the evil that they kept squashed in their backpacks the entire time, and Uchenna and Joyce just wanted to make it home before the show finished airing. Danny and Oswald ran out of steam and money, and became entangled in some kind of debate with karma in which the universe finally said "enough already" and sent them home to spread joy in the form of beautiful smiles and, in Oswald's case, appreciative handling of other people's naughty bits. So the final three were the BQs, who raced well throughout and took all kinds of crap over playing the game as if they expected to win or something; Charla and Mirna, who raced poorly throughout with the exception of an uncanny ability to find (for instance) a direct flight that would pick them up on the back of a flatbed truck outside a small town in Brazil and take them directly to a particular ice floe in Alaska; and Eric and Pink, who didn't like each other at all and raced mostly unremarkably, but who kept on avoiding elimination by working quickly so that they wouldn't have to spend any more time together than necessary. Now, three teams are left. One of them rocks hard. Two of them rock not at all. What are the odds of a happy ending? If you know the answer to this question, you are ready to graduate from fifth-grade math.
Credits. Man, this is depressing. There weren't that many teams that didn't halfway suck to begin with, and we still had about a 75 percent chance of a better ending than this. We're all cursed. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Fie ye, Two And A Half Men. I can't figure out why, but I feel like Charlie Sheen is turning into Billy Joel. Like, not on looks, but in spirit.
Hey, look! Guam! Soldiers! Marching in place and getting nowhere! It's a theatrical salute to American foreign policy! Phil reminds us that Guam is an "American military stronghold in the South Pacific." I see Joe Cable! And on the coast, we find Fort Soledad. But don't mistake it for a fort in the fort sense, considering that its sign reads "Courtesy Of Guam Visitors Bureau," and not, for instance, "Stay Back Unless You Want A Righteous Ass-Kicking, Philippines." Hot Phil says that this was the twelfth pit stop. On a race. Around the world. Involving many teams better than the ones featured here, but omitting many teams even better than the ones that were involved. If you see what I mean, which you probably don't, so let me say it this way: bad casting makes bad seasons. Period.