Amazing Race
Please, Lord, Give Me Milk

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Camel Kicks And Milk

Previously on Amster, Amster, Dam Dam Dam: The teams went to Amsterdam (okay, the title kind of gave it away) and tried out bicycles and furniture-heaving. Ron went from Goofily Embarrassing Dad to Cringeworthy, Mean Dad, while Christina showed herself to be a fine, fine diplomat. While several teams struggled with a needle-in-a-haystack task and a few of the young ladies went face-first into a ditch full of mud, everyone eventually finished the leg, with the lovely Pat and Kate in last place and sadly eliminated. With one very unlikable team and one very likable team out, the next booting would determine the early balance between good and evil. Or at least between annoying and less annoying.

Credits. That imaginary plane belongs in the Smithsonian next to Archie Bunker's chair. [BOMP.]

We begin in Durgedam, described by Phil as a "quaint lakeside village." Raise your hand if this description reminds you of the beginning of something narrated by Bill Kurtis. Anyway, we revisit Ron's "crotchbuster" remark, made while he was riding the bikes last week, and we learn that, as a result of that ride, Ron gave himself a hernia. So in a sense, he got on a bike, called it a crotchbuster, and actually busted his crotch. I mean, it's not his crotch, but "innardsbuster" isn't as cute a word. And how'd you like to be the daughter whose ass he was already complaining about having to haul around before he got a hernia? That's going to be awkward at Thanksgiving. At any rate, it looks like the medical attention Ron received at the pit stop consisted of shoving the lump of tissue back in, which...based on information obtained from the people I've known who have had hernias (other than the main information, which is "ow"), I'm going to guess Ron's not making it around the world with "push it back in" as his treatment plan. Ron tries to look on the bright side, saying that the pain is intense, and that he might be slowed down, but that he's going to do his best. And if nothing else, his hernia can stick out in front of him and cross the finish line several minutes before the rest of him gets there. Makin' lemonade!

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Amazing Race

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