Mark Burnett dumped six hours' worth of reality TV season finales on Miss Alli in one week, hence your humble sub for this episode. But not to worry: along with my wife Trash and my friend Bitter, Miss Alli was at my side during the broadcast, answering questions for me like "What if they don't have enough cash to buy plane tickets?" and "Who's the guy with the accent?" and "This is, like, a race, right?" So now I'm totally up to speed.
Previously! Kendra renamed the Republic of Senegal "Ghetto, Africa." But Don appreciated it until he, like Hera, found himself puking over the side of a fishing boat. Bolo and Lori bickered, as they do. Don wept over MJ's show of brute strength, which wasn't brute enough to get them out of last place. But they were spared by a non-elimination leg, which made me happy until I volunteered to sub this week. Now I have to recap eight teams instead of seven. Who will be eliminated next?
Well, I know who it won't be, because three of those teams are already gone. You can't fool me, you wily credits.
There's a statue of a man and a woman wearing broken shackles that's going to figure prominently in this week's first segment. Phil tells us that Goree Island, off the coast of Senegal, was "the epicenter of the African slave trade for more than three hundred years, and thus is the ideal setting for a television game show." Except for the last part. He really just says that it's the fourth Pit Stop. Phil again explains about Don's and MJ's being non-eliminated over a shot of Phil counting their money as they hand it over. Why does he do that? Does he get to keep it? Phil asks us whether MJ and Don be able to get out of last place and stay in the race. If you want to be surprised, skip the next word. No.
Kris and Jon rip open their clue at 12:52 AM. It tells them to find The Slave House, "where captured men, women, and children were held before being sent to the New World as slaves." Cheery. Kris interviews that she and Jon are playing without alliances, and that they have respect for each other. LIAR! Oh, not really.
At the other end of the functionality spectrum, Jonathan and Victoria take off at 2:18 AM. This week, Jonathan's departure hat is a heavy black knit cap adorned with a white gothic cross on the front. I don't get him. You're going to be traveling around the world for up to a month, carrying only what you can fit in one backpack. Why the hell would you want to fill it with fugly hats? Jonathan interviews that he and Victoria have won second place in three legs, but that he's frustrated that "we" can't "get it together" to "fight for the number one position." Yes, I think he's put his finger on their weakness: not enough fighting.