Amazing Race
Quit Following Us

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M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now!
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Hysterical Landmarks

Jonathan and Victoria are the first team to reach the clue at the "busted chain statue." It directs them to this week's Detour: Beer or Brats? My wife Trash and I always talk about which one we would do; this time we just say, "Beer!" before we even hear the tasks described. And not just because she's a vegetarian. In Beer, teams go to a Brauhaus (German for "Brewhouse," if memory serves) and look under patrons' beer steins to find beer mats with their pictures on them (the teams' pictures, not the patrons'). They have to collect five beer mats, but they can only get them by swapping pairs of full beer steins that they get from the bar. In Brats, teams go to a place called the Citadel (German for "citadel," but correct me if I'm wrong) and use a hand-operated sausage press to make a chain of bratwurst five links long, with each link measuring seven inches. The (ungloved) exposition hands are seen stuffing sticky wads of raw, gray-pink animal pulp into the mouth of the press and then pressing a lever to extrude it through a tube into empty sausage skins. Trash and I again say, "Beer," but much louder this time.

Victoria wants to do Brats, and Jonathan agrees. In the cab, Jonathan asks how hard it can be. Victoria pleasantly says they're about to find out. "Oh, please," Jonathan spits at her. Jonathan contemptuously says that he saw Lucy do it on I Love Lucy: "If she can do it, I can do it." Hey, Jonathan, you know what else Lucille Ball did? She died. My friend Bitter holds up her fingers two inches apart and says Victoria's going to be at a disadvantage on this task, "because she thinks this is seven inches."

Kris and Jon are the next to the clue, and they get directions to the Brauhaus. Sadly, those directions involve getting on a train. The doors shut behind them. "Whoops!" says the orchestral flourish. Gus/Hera and Hayden/Aaron grab their Detour clues at almost the same time. Both teams are doing Beers. Aaron contentedly sits back in his cab, smiling and looking forward to drinking some beers. He plays with the word a little bit, pronouncing it like he's in that SNL sketch about the Chicago Bears fans: "Some beerss. DAH beersss." Which is amusing, but what makes it actually funny is the fact that right next to him, Hayden is silently but actively stressing about the teams right behind them and gesturing frantically for their cabbie to get going already. She could use a couple of beersssss as well, I'm thinking. The wrestlers and Hornio arrive, and they both decide to do Brats. They're all on their way.

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Amazing Race

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