Amazing Race
Race To The Finish, Part I

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The beginning of the end, my friends

Danza SUC. Night. Loud Pushy Frank is now Creepy Stare Frank, and that's not good at all. They approach the B&B. The yellow flag is outside a little cabin, and Frank pulls the clue. They're supposed to "experience a Native Alaskan blanket-toss," but the hours of operation aren't until 8:00 AM. The clue also tells them to sleep in the cabin right there, so they go inside.

Esquire SUC, approaching the B&B. They climb out, find the flag, and read the clue. Rob opens the cabin door and steps in slowly. He sees Frank and Margarita up in the loft bed. "Hey, you guys, what's goin' on?" Danza doesn't say hello. Oh, come on, people. Is that really necessary? Brennan asks if there are beds up in the loft, and forced to speak, Margarita smirks, "There's one." Rob fills in, "For them." Which is perfectly fair, since they did get there first, but do they have to be rude? What does not saying hello have to do with being competitive? Wouldn't it make you infinitely cooler if you were polite and also kicked their asses? That's what I'd be thinking. I don't know. I don't get it. Maybe I'm not competitive enough.

Anyway, in everyone's favorite imaginary storyline taking place only in my head (The Secret Love of Margarita and Rob), this particular night in the isolated, snowy cabin is very significant. In fact, it forms the key moment in said imaginary storyline. "Is he asleep?" "Yeah, is he asleep?" "Yeah." Chicka chicka bamp bamp.

["In my favorite imaginary storyline, the 'he's in question aren't asleep at all, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Also, bun chicka wah wah." -- Sars]

Brennan voice-over: "Now it's getting competition time. Now we're getting close to the end. We'll probably be neck-and-neck throughout the rest of the race."

Commercials. You can shop at T.J. Maxx and buy your mother a better gift than your sister is getting her, and you can get it for the same price. This will mean that your mother will love you more than she loves your sister, without your having to spend any more money. Gloria in excelsis Deo.

Alaska. Snow. Big animals. Danza, popping out of the cabin in what is obviously Very Special Cold-Weather Gear made available to the teams here. As Snowmobile Boy said to me, doesn't that just figure? They gamble by ditching their stuff, and they might have been screwed for ditching too much, but -- hey, new coats! That hardly seems fair. Anyway, Phil explains that "in the olden days," Native Alaskans would throw somebody in the air on a blanket to look for animals to hunt. Now, each team has to send somebody to get thrown up in the air to try and spot the next clue. Because Danza got to the cabin first, they get to go first. Loud Pushy Frank gets tossed up in the air a few times (it's really not much more than a human trampoline, in terms of the amount of drama it provides), and he very quickly spots the yellow flag, which frankly isn't very far away, and is lying in the snow. If they hadn't been tossed around, they could have just looked for it for about thirty seconds and found it, it's so close and so obvious. I'm telling you, the tasks are getting lame. At any rate, the clue tells them to go to Matanuska Glacier, which is a hundred miles away.

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Amazing Race

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