Amazing Race
Race To The Finish, Part II

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End of the line

Previously on Jerry and Bert's Excellent Adventure: Well, taking the long view, Matt and Ana fell behind while navigating Africa and were eliminated. Dark Hair and Light Hair took two hours to find a yellow flag, spoke Spanish to the French, and were eliminated. Pat and Brenda got the Fast Forward, but then picked the wrong pendulum and were eliminated. Dave and Margaretta smooched, but then got hosed in a Tunisian cab and were eliminated. Paul and Amie got a massage, mishandled a compass, threw up, got lost in the desert, and were eliminated. Lenny and Karyn kicked the Rome airport's ass, but then fought and broke up and were eliminated. Nancy and Emily hung in like champs, but eventually threw in the towel and were eliminated. Kevin and Drew did just about everything you could ask, but couldn't say "south gate" in Chinese and were eliminated. Meanwhile, Team Guido used the luck of the evil to avoid being eliminated. Team Esquire used their robot brains to avoid being eliminated. Team Danza used the sheer screaming power of Loud Pushy Frank to avoid being eliminated. Modes of transport included boats, trains, planes, taxis, beasts of burden, snowmobiles, and swinging from a rope like a fat bastard.

Just lately, Team Danza and Team Esquire pulled 24 hours ahead of Team Guido, which remained confident that an opportunity for bunching would present itself and they would pull ahead to victory. Everyone else suspected that Guido was Guidelusional, but continued to experience waves of nausea at the possibility that it might occur. Frank and Margarita bickered and climbed over fences. Rob chomped his gum. Blanket-toss. Ice wall. Snowmobiles. Pit stop. Will Guido pull off the last-minute upset? Will Brennan speak, and if he does, will you be able to count the syllables on one hand? Will Loud Pushy Frank cause an avalanche? Will Rob wear another wretched hat? Will Margarita tell LPFrank to shut the hell up already? The suspense is killing me.

Credits. Music from the upcoming fresh-produce/ultimate-fighting film, Five Cantaloupes, Knocked Flat Like Your Head.

Commercials. Haven't you always wanted your cup of coffee to sexually harass you?

Drunken cameramen careen around snowy Alaska. Phil tells us that "Alaska" is the twelfth pit stop, and I wonder whether it's really appropriate to refer to a state of that size as a pit stop, considering that other pit stops have been, you know, buildings and little villages and things of that sort. "Check in at Alaska!" Now that would have been a route marker. Anyway, shots of Esquire and Danza checking in at the end of the previous leg. There is no shot of Guido checking in at the end of the previous leg, of course, because -- hee! -- they're not there yet. Phil claims that Joe and Bill had once been "continents away" and are now only "a few tasks" behind. Phil would like us to consider this to be a sign that they're "closing the gap." Uh, nice try, Phil, but it's 24 hours either way. Guido, after all, is at the overnight cabin with the big dead polar bear on the wall, home of last week's Secret Imaginary Rendezvous Of Margarita And Rob, while the other teams are sleeping at the pit stop, so bottom line? They're still getting pummeled. In an interview in which he is sitting outside in the dark being snowed upon, Joe comments that the other two teams ahead of them could make "fatal errors," and claims that they've both made "near-fatal errors" in the past. I'm not sure what he's referring to, since I'd say Esquire and Danza are the two teams that have made the fewest mistakes in the entire race, and that includes Guido. Telling himself this seems to make Joe feel better, though, and who am I to interfere with the emotional healing of the Guidos?

Teams have no idea what's in store...zzz...yellow-and-white flags...zzz...sealed envelopes...Exposition Hands, mmmmm. I'm going to run away with the Exposition Hands so that they can spend hours and hours brushing my hair while I bask in the glory of their softness and gentle strength. Marry me, Exposition Hands. I'll keep you in Vaseline Intensive Care for the rest of your life.

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Amazing Race

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