Amazing Race
Ready To Lose Our Lives

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Miss Alli: A | Grade It Now!
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Contestants do get woolly, 'cause of all the stress

Previously on You, Too, Can Dig It!: Tara and the Weasel tore each other matching new ones, while Gary kept recycling all of his old ones, and Oswald and Danny by any other name smelled as sweet. Wil and Blake blew the Roadblock, and Chris and Alex blew into the lead with the Fast Forward. Mining wasn't easy, and existential golf wasn't easy, but mining followed by existential golf was the one truly bad choice, and it led to the overdue elimination of the tiresome Team Thunk. Gary was bodily carted off the mat by an international police force and forced to go home. Who will be eliminated…next?

Credits. Be sure to tune your instrument before beginning: "Near! The! End! Nobody is! Your! Friend! They'll stab you in! The! Back! They'll pull a sneak! At-tack! What! They'll! Do! Is step right o-ver you! It's get-ting mean!…Out there…no doubt…be-ware…look out…oh, and…trust! No! One! Until the Race! Is! Done! Be-tray-al! [BOMP.]"

Commercials. Dear Ving Rhames: You cannot be a bad-ass ever again, once you have done a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. I'm just telling you, because apparently, your agent did not.

We open this week's adventure in the Australian outback, where the drunken cameramen careen with abandon around the barren landscape. Phil describes the outback as "two million square miles of sweltering desert," and says that "settlements are few and far between." (I recently overheard a conversation in which a location in Australia was being described, and someone asked, "Is it in the middle?" The answer was, "No, no, there's nothing in the middle except a big fence and a few kangaroos.") Cut to Phil, in his beautiful sky-blue shirt from the second episode, strolling. I love that shirt. If eyes that look like limpid pools were a shirt, they'd be this one. Anyway, he tells us that this "aboriginal village" is the ninth pit stop. Time to do The Eat, Sleep, And Mingle Boogie. Unfortunately, as the number of teams diminishes, and probably in part because nobody wants to see how Alex and Tara are blurring the line between Sleeping and Mingling, they've cut down substantially on the E/S/M footage. There's hardly any of it this week, except a little snippet of Wil eating and a few random high-fives. Well, and several of those hideous olive-green hats -- I know, I know, they're functional in the million-degree weather. Tell it to someone who cares about their well-being and doesn't have to look at them repeatedly. Teams have no idea what's in store, red-and-yellow flags, route markers, they have to wear their underwear on their heads for the next twenty-four hours, sealed envelopes, Exposition Hands, et cetera. (Just seeing whether you're paying attention.) Will Taraweasel or the Teeth grab the FF? Can Boston maintain their newly-minted lead, and more to the point, are they going to stop being endearing so I can go back to hating them? Will Oswald and Danny take time out for another shopping excursion? If they do, will they get a discount? Will they buy off the rack? The excitement continues to build.

3:35 AM. Boston, fresh from their meat pie triumph, opens the clue. Chris, as always, is resplendently accessorized with The Amazing Purse. I know I tease Chris about the Purse, but I do understand. Where else is he going to keep his compact and his little can of hairspray? Anyway, the clue tells them that they have to take one or more flights and wind up at a bridge outside Queenstown, New Zealand. Phil Phil-overs that this journey is, in total, more than two thousand miles, and they have to start by driving themselves to a place where some big tractor-trailers are parked. When they get there, they'll load up their SUVs onto the trucks, and then they can sleep while they're hauled to a place called Glendambo. After that, they'll unload the SUVs and drive to the Glendambo airstrip to hop a flight to Adelaide, and then it's Adelaide to New Zealand, using whatever arrangements they can come up with. To underscore the importance of performing this task quickly, two kangaroos bound across the frame. Okay, the kangaroos don't really have anything to do with performing the task quickly, but I think the editors are sitting on a lot of kangaroo footage, and they only have a short time to cram it in before they have to switch to sheep.

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Amazing Race

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