Amazing Race
Rob And Amber Get Married

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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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Money for nothing, and your wedding for free

Rob and Amber and Colin have a seat and start talking about plans. Colin asks how many people they're planning to have, and they say they're looking at 500. Colin dismissively puts the kibosh on this, telling them that the bigger the wedding, "the bigger the production." He also refuses to go along with Rob's laughing insistence that bigger is always better. Or, as Rob says it, "bettah." Colin wants them to keep it somewhere south of 300 people. And how can you argue, really? I mean, it totally makes sense to let your wedding planner declare unilaterally that you will exclude half the people you wanted present for your wedding in order to make the production less complicated. "Dear So-and-So: I would have loved for you to share my special day, but it would have made cake-serving much more complicated. Don't feel obligated to spend too much on my gift!" I'd rather have the 500 guests and pare down the production, Colin. You can see why my wedding would probably involve box lunches.

Colin asks about possible wedding colors, and Amber wants to go with ocean tones, like teals and greens and blues. Colin says this is great, because these colors are big in fashion, as well. That's so super! The fashion world approves of the colors found in nature. What a relief. Clashing would be so unfortunate, and it would have been a big pain if they'd had to dye the whole ocean. They'd have to cut even more people off the guest list! And then Colin really kind of loses me when he gives an interview in which he vows that the wedding is sure to be "fab-u-lous," complete with...snapping. It's so unfortunate to be a caricature of yourself, you know? Just ask...well, actually, ask Rob. He's right there. Anyway, for music, Amber talks about steel drums or a Bahamian choir. Colin's like, "I love the idea of the choir!" You can tell Colin is one of those people who wants you to do what he wants while believing it's what you want, and I don't warm to that kind of "service." Rob begins to look extra-bored when Colin and Amber get into the matter of bridesmaids' dresses, which...I don't blame him. It's not an inherently thrilling area of inquiry. I've worn them. I know.

The long and the short of it is that Rob is totally left in the weeds until Colin brings up the food, at which point he hops to attention. "The food needs to be unbelievable, 'cause everybody in my family's a critic," Rob says. He also interviews that he started thinking about wedding food "about an hour after [he] proposed." Right around the time he started envisioning this very special TV event, I think it's safe to say. Rob tells Colin that he's all about steak and lobster, and Colin acts unimpressed. Colin interviews that his reaction was, "Oh, my God, we're not going to be doing surf and turf at this wedding." He doesn't say why not. Maybe it's tacky. Or maybe Rob should have used bigger words. Rob also mentions burgers, "pigs on a spit" (hee), and sausage and peppers. I think what Rob actually wants is a street-fair wedding. I can imagine worse. Colin clearly knows that this sort of food will make the wedding Common (horrors!), so he stares at Rob blankly. Amber interviews that she thinks Rob planned to have every food he's ever eaten present at their wedding, and she tries to get him to chill out a little. I think she should have asked Rob if he wanted to serve each guest four pounds of meat. That would have been hilarious. Well, to me.

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