MONDO EXTRAS

Eight

[sic]: You're not at all what I expected.
Alli: Oh, really? What did you expect?
[sic]: I was expecting you to be this mean old woman.
Alli: "Mean old woman"!?
[sic]: I didn't mean it bad.

Nine

Lenny is a revelation to me. Tall and smooth, he comes over and puts his arm around me. "We've got to talk about some things," he says. "Hey, I don't know what you're complaining about," I say with a shrug. "You know I blamed her. You were just the guy throwing up out the window." We talk for a while longer, in about the same tone, and I gradually feel myself rising up on my tiptoes in a futile attempt to look him in the eye, since we are very nearly toe-to-toe. Eventually, I laugh. "You're just taller than me, dude, this is going nowhere." "I know," he says evenly. I am standing a couple of feet from the wall behind me, just in front of the seat I was occupying a minute before. He leans toward me in a caricature of menace, and I lean back, with nowhere to go since I'm standing against the bench. I lean back, back, back, until the back of my head actually rests against the wall as he towers over me. This makes me laugh. Funny, I think to myself. He's really funny. ["He's also much hotter than he looks on TV and totally chill about freakshows yelling 'Leeeeennnnnyyyyy' at him across the room. Thumbs-up on the Lenny." -- Sars]

Ten

At about 1:00 or so, they corner me with the microphone that the contestants have been using to clown around for the last fifteen minutes or so. I honestly try to escape -- not one of those "I'm pretending to try to escape for the sake of cute, but I intend to cooperate" escapes, but an actual attempt to escape. It doesn't work. What I Should Say: "I honestly have no clue what to say, except that you are all absolutely marvelous for coming to the party. I could not ask for a better set of people to work with on either side of the fourth wall, and although I have no shot whatsoever at explaining how fond I am of all of you, I'm hoping you can accurately guess at it anyway." What I Actually Say (keep in mind that it was Brennan who forces the microphone on me): "Umm...you know, these lawyers who won a million dollars owe me big-time...and suck. And, so...thanks for coming to the party, and...this is the most horrifying moment of my life." No, really. That's what I say. You know Dances With Wolves and Stands With A Fist? I would be Talks Like A Stoned Idiot. ["Please. Because your boss covered herself with such glory by bellowing 'FREEBIRD' at you." -- Sars]