Amazing Race
Tears of a Clown

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Into the Rough

But at least we've gotten through all the obnoxious people, right? Nope, here's a team made up of a guy named Joey "Fitness" and his buddy Dan from New York. Am I seriously going to have to type Joey "Fitness" all season? Not without a fight, I'm not. Now, I try not to judge people by looking at them, but then they proudly boast that they live "the Guido lifestyle," and what am I supposed to do? They show off their perfectly spiky faux-hawks, muscles, and tattoos, and tell us that the other teams will misjudge them as well. I don't see how. They seem like a pretty what-you-see-is-what-you-get-team, which after all is fairly common with people who spend that high a percentage of their energy on their looks.

>Nary and Jamie are "federal agents" from Los Angeles, and I can tell you right now Nary's name is going to be showing up in a lot of my homepage headlines over the course of the season. I'm just not going to be able to help it. We see them doing a Hogan's Alley exercise with assault rifles as they interview that they have to prove themselves more, not being "a standard male" in their field. As for the race, "This is going to be cake to us," says Nary. "I like cake," says Jamie. Okay then.

Rachel and Dave have been married two years and are from Madison, Wisconsin. I hate when there are two racers with the same name, and here we have a whole team of duplicate monikers. Now I'm going to have to type "Major Dave" and "Other Rachel" all the time. Major Dave informs us that he's an army major with a sixteen-year career, one year of that spent in Iraq. He and Other Rachel are hoping to reconnect and reconcile on the race. That always works out well.

Elliot and Andrew are twin brothers, but for once I'm not too worried about it, because the one in a rock band has Creed hair and the soccer pro doesn't. "It's like a life partner, but we're not gay," long-haired Elliot says, to the embarrassment of Andrew. See? I can tell them apart already! This is going to be cake! You know who likes cake? Jamie, I hear.

Kerri and Stacy are cousins from Gulfport, Mississippi, and their at-home clips would have you believe that they spend their time frolicking on the farm in short-shorts. Aside from the country-girl/city-girl dichotomy they claim to represent, that's about all.

Vanessa and Ralph are an old-school huge-tiny team, which they demonstrate by having Ralph do push-ups while Vanessa fake-yawns on his back. It's not helpful that she looks a bit like the golfing sisters, but that isn't something we're going to have to worry about for long. They're from San Antonio and have been dating for a year, although they've known each other for fifteen years. Here's Vanessa's story: "I used to stalk him, he got married, stalked him some more, he got divorced [wonder why], I got married, he got divorced, and now we're dating." She says they're hoping not to race down the aisle. Why would anyone think that would happen?

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Amazing Race

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