Previously on You May Find Yourself Behind The Wheel Of Something That Looks A Hell Of A Lot Like Fear Factor: America Online brought people together into a state of supreme discomfort, even after Phil's little face greeted them, all pixel-like. Lori and Bolo tried desperately to catch up, and they did. Hera and Freddy got conked on the head, and he launched an inquiry that started and ended with the crazy, and covered much ground in between. Everyone ate soup. Some people ate the very same soup twice. Victoria puked, and not just because she's married to America's most remarkably boring blowhard. Lori and Bolo drank blood. Oh, delicious blood. Lori bit Phil on the neck, so at least there's something going on that I can relate to. Gus and Hera still loved each other, and it was too bad about how they got bounced, but at least they didn't have to run around with this mess of fools anymore. Six teams are left. Who will be eliminated...next?

Credits. In the credits of my imagination, Aaron pushes Hayden off the mountain. [BOMP.]

Commercials. Oh, Julia Roberts. When did you sell your soul to AOL?

We return to Budapest, where Phil informs us that we are in Hungary, and he is inside a giant mayonnaise jar. Or so the sound of his echoing voice would suggest. In fact, it turns out that we are at Fisherman's Bastion, a monument built in honor of some very brave fishermen, which was the sixth pit stop. Phil is in a stone tower, not a mayonnaise jar. But wouldn't that have been cool? I think it would, but I'm distracted by how impressed I am to hear that the memorialized fishermen repelled an invasion. I hope they bitch-slapped the rampaging hordes with dead fish, because that would be awesome, and it would make for the best elementary school History Day projects ever.

At any rate, again, there is no eat/sleep/mingle footage, and again, I suspect it's because these people are all assholes and don't speak to each other. I shouldn't complain, I guess -- it's not like I'd want to see Hayden and Kendra sharing a cappuccino and talking about how hard it is to be a hottie. In the absence of the mingling, we get the rickety old "teams have no idea what's in store" patter, which really is a little silly, now that there aren't "clues" to "solve" anymore. I guess "teams will have to be able to read" doesn't sound as suspenseful. Phil wonders whether Hayden's "outbursts" will sabotage her team, and whether the alliance between Nuance and Hayden and Aaron will carry all of them through. I half-expect him to wonder aloud whether Jonathan can get any worse, but there's no point in tempting fate, I guess. Besides, we'll all find out soon enough.

11:12 PM. Lori and Bolo rip their clue, which tells them to go to what certainly sounds a hell of a lot like Bud-a-fuck. It's really dangerous to get into Bud-a-fuck relationships, you know. Someone always gets hurt. Anyway, Phil explains the clue further, carefully pronouncing what now sounds like "Buddha-Falk," which I think is what they called Columbo when he got chunky late in his career. In Buddha-Falk, they will go to a winery and run down a path to a giant wine cask, where a clue will be waiting. Is there a task there? A puzzle? Anything? Yeah, I didn't think so. Lori and Bolo leave, talking about how great they feel about going from worst to first. They grab a cab, about the driver of which Bolo says to Lori, "Man, this guy drives like you." It's kind of scary to think she's a bad driver, because that gives her a hell of a lot of ways to kill your ass. It's a wonder you're still alive.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next