Amazing Race
Tell My Mom I Love Her

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Miss Alli: C | Grade It Now!
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Rotten to the Corsica

12:01 AM. Kris and Jon. As they look for a cab, Jon voices over that when they were leaving, they wanted to just be close and be good to each other. Imagine that. He feels like they've done that. Me, too. I want a lunchbox with their picture on it.

12:02 AM. Spazpants. Victoria tells us as they're leaving that she's "not the type of girl that needs someone to hold [her] hand." Or, for that matter, "be overly affectionate." That's quite a waste of her warm and attentive husband, then. She tells us that Jonathan is "extremely motivating." And the fact that there are women who find that kind of behavior "motivating" is one of the most flat-out fucking depressing things you will ever hear on this show or any other. Five seconds out of your life to hear it; the ruination of zillions of families when it's what people actually think. What fun this is. Oh, and she says they "always seem to kiss and make up in the end." So it must be all right, because nobody does that in a dysfunctional relationship. GET THESE PEOPLE OFF MY TV. I'd rather watch a fucking Saved By The Bell rerun at this point.

As Hayden and Aaron stand on the mat, he leans down toward her. "Baby, I love you," he coos with a total lack of sincerity, which is what makes it awesome. Wait, I didn't mean "awesome." I meant "really bad." I swear. She rolls her eyes. He leans over to kiss her and she squirms away. "Don't," she says humorlessly. Seriously, dude. We've established that you like older women. I don't believe in squirming. I can read maps and drive stick. Let's drive somewhere in a really tiny car. Anyway, at 12:06, they rip their clue. It tells them that they have $31 for the leg. So...pretty cheap, I'm thinking. Hayden explains to us that she "can be an obnoxious brat," and that it stresses her out when she sees Aaron being so laid-back. What's hilarious about all these sequences when they're walking is that she's so wee and he's so tall that it looks like he's always ambling, while she's always going "stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp." She looks like a wind-up toy. She goes on to explain that he "needs to get more assertive," or they'll lose because she will "steamroll over him." She doesn't consider the possibility, I guess, that she could cease being a complete bitch all on her own. I know, I know -- I oversimplify so tremendously. They get a cab.

12:07 AM. Hornio. Rebecca gets one thing right when she voices over that the fact that she loves El Hornio "isn't enough to make a relationship work." She adds that she doesn't "want to be anybody's mother anymore." Well, that seems healthy. Relatively speaking. Oh, and El Hornio says Rebecca "treats [him] like a little kid." And he's "her caddy...her lackey." I'm just looking for what signs there are that they should date that make up for the numerous signs that they should get away from each other forever, because it certainly isn't their raging sexual chemistry or their obvious affection for each other.

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Amazing Race

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