Amazing Race
Tell My Mom I Love Her

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Miss Alli: C | Grade It Now!
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Rotten to the Corsica

12:19. Nuance. Freddy interviews that people call their alliance with Hayden and Aaron as "the model alliance." If that's true, it's unbelievably stupid and uninteresting. They're models. You can't think of anything but "model alliance"? You can't think of a single slam on them that goes beyond that? I've heard more creative nicknames while watching babies being cooed at. By other babies. Freddy further adds the who-cares information that they all get along, so the naysayers can just go suck eggs. He says the two teams are going to "try to push [them]selves to the front." That always works really well on this show, except for the weeping and gnashing of teeth that inevitably follows, so...great idea! I can't wait to see how it works.

Lori and Bolo arrive at their destination, but when they hop out, they see that the super-uber-mega-bunching is continuing apace, and this place doesn't open up until 10:00 in the morning. "I'm gonna beat someone's ass," Lori says, surprisingly good-naturedly, for a delivery of the statement "I'm gonna beat someone's ass." ["If she's looking for a specific ass to beat, I've got a long list of suggestions. Although some of them aren't even from this season. Or, actually, this show." -- Sars] Other teams gradually arrive, and before you know it, everyone is standing around, staring at the hours of operation. As you do, several times every episode this season. "Welcome to our hotel for the night," Rebecca complains sarcastically, because this is just not what she had in mind at all. She just feels really put upon that she's been going and going for probably an hour, and now she has to sleep for a really long time before she has to do anything again. So put-upon, really. We watch people sleep on the street under space blankets and whatnot. In the morning, at 9:59, teams press against the gate. It rolls over to 10:00, and the door is opened. Someone slams the gate back on Freddy and beans him in the skull, yelling, "Break that in half, fool." No, just kidding. Actually, they all run into the wine cellar and start tearing down a series of narrow little tunnels. Aaron announces that he's 6'5" (oh, yum), and had some trouble navigating down the very low ceilings. Indeed, he is running kind of bent over. Poor baby. Come right over here and...never mind. Everyone runs to the clue box, which is indeed up against the front of a very enormous wine cask. Mmm, lots of alcohol.

Lori and Bolo are the first to rip the clue, and it tells them to fly to Ajaccio, located on the island of Corsica. Phil explains that this is a hop of more than 1300 miles, and that Corsica is a French island, in case you didn't know. Which you probably did, because you are a smarty, unlike Jonathan, who thinks it's in Italy. You only know this if you watched the Insider videos, which I normally don't think are that big a draw, but when they involve Jonathan not knowing what fucking country he's in and Phil going to a lot of trouble to mock him for it? Awesome. And totally worth watching. Anyway, when they get to Ajaccio, they will have to find their way four miles to a house, and then to a room where Napoleon was born. There, the real Napoleon, brought back from the dead using batteries and rubbing alcohol, will give them their clue. Everyone finishes the clue-reading, and finds their way out of the tunnels. Hayden and Aaron get to their cab first, but they decide to wait for Freddy and Kendra before they leave. After Lori and Bolo and Hornio have left, Nuance emerges and the Model (?) Alliance takes off. Everyone's going to the airport. Hayden ensures that the driver knows where they're going by making flapping motions that stand for "airplane." I don't want to pick on her flair for charades, but she's lucky they didn't end up at a turkey farm.

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Amazing Race

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