It's another barn-burner as the teams undertake death-defying tasks likeâ¦getting their pictures taken! Andâ¦driving golf carts! Actually, the Detour is relatively interesting, although the option pitting the Weavers against the Godlewskis ends badly when the Godlewskis fall way behind. They then suffer a totally insane meltdown that doesn't even involve Christine, and by the time they get to the finish line, they know they're done. And they are, meaning that the final three are the Linzes, Bransens, and Weavers. I never thought I'd hear myself say this early in the season, but if it weren't for the wit of the Linz boys, I don't know how I'd be surviving these episodes. At any rate, a defensive posture for the finale -- Anybody But The Weavers -- is my personal plan. Because the season has already been boring and confusing, and if those people win a million dollars, it will become unspeakably evil.
Previously on Old Faithful Dull Boring Uneventful: The teams drifted around in balloons for a while, pleased to have found a method of transportation slower than an SUV dragging a trailer. Mama Weaver ministered to the other teams in the form of vowing that they would regret trying to beat her. The Gadzookskis fell behind at the Detour when they proved less apt at railroading a railroad than at railroading Christine, and then the Linzes fell behind because of a production error, which would seem awfully unfair if anything happening in this section of the race made any difference. The Weavers and Bransens sprinted toward Phil at the end of the hour, but it wasn't the end of the leg -- instead, this was the dreaded To Be Continued episode, stacked on top of a non-elimination episode, stacked on top of the Country Music Awards, stacked on top of granola, yogurt, and blueberries, which is why as of this episode, it is officially almost a month since anyone was eliminated. We have been looking at the same damn collection of four teams since the second week of November. Started with 40 people, and we still have 16. I have seen zebra mussel colonies easier to get rid of. Four teams are still left. Who will be eliminated...ever?
Credits. I'm so tired, I can't even enjoy the incongruous monkey anymore. [BOMP.]
Commercials. You know, I really have to wonder, when did we stop caring about ice skaters? Didn't they used to be, like, the princesses of our country? I think Sasha Cohen could have someone clubbed in the knee, and nobody would even notice. It's like we stopped even making new skaters at some point. I flipped by a skating special last night, and it was, like, still Brian Boitano and Nancy Kerrigan and Elvis Stojko and a special appearance by the ghost of Sonja Henie. Skating specials are the one place on earth where time stands still.
The deer and the antelope play as we return over the thumping music to the rolling hills of some square state or other, and we jump back in time to the part of the last episode where the Bransens and the Weavers were jumping out of their car to get to Phil. The good part of this is that we get to see the Bransens smoke the Weavers in the foot race again. Good times. Boy, Rolly is fast, but his sisters and his mama are slow as molasses. And as you know, God hates slow people. Anyway, when both teams are at the mat, Phil gives them the news that while they're the first two teams to arrive, it's not a pit stop. They're still racing, and here's their next clue. I realize this was supposed to be very tense, but really, my only question is this: how did Beth Bransen keep that damn newsboy cap on the entire time?