Amazing Race
The Game's Afoot

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Miss Alli: A | Grade It Now!
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Aaaand they're off! Again!

Lena and Kristy are sisters. Oh, and models. And they're from Salt Lake City, so presumably, they model only high-necked nightgowns. (Oh, hold your infuriated emails. I'm not judging. I grew up Quaker; we only wear black and white.) (Oh, now you pipe down, Quakers! I'm just kidding! Besides, isn't the whole thing about being quiet? Just kidding again!) Anyway, Kristy explains that she and Lena were raised as conservative Mormons, and she still is one, but Lena...whatever, drinks margaritas and has gay friends and only wants one husband and is going to hell, or something. (Yes, I'm getting all my Mormon stereotype jokes out in one paragraph so you never have to hear them again.) (I think it's awesome that they like jazz, though, which I learned from the religious scholars at the NBA.) Lena waggles her head while telling us that she is "the party, get loose, get crazy girl," which I find hilarious, because as she says this, we see her engaging in the wild and slutty behavior of riding a bicycle. Of course, she is wearing pants. (Okay, done!)

Lori and Bolo are married and they're pro rasslers. Yeah, say it like that, people -- "rasslers." His facial hair is secretly a map to the lost city of Atlantis. As they do their first interview, it is difficult not to feel that the room is dominated by Lori's enormous boobs, even though she's saying something something something about how she's "a bitch" and he's "an intimidator," and then we watch them rasslin' in a ring in their backyard. Damn, I have those relationships too, but only figuratively. "There's nobody gonna be able to compete with us," Bolo says. And then we watch them do pull-ups, which is interrupted by Bolo's voice-over in which he cites the power of their "swah-vay on the streets." Er, "swah-vay"? I'm not even sure whether that's supposed to be "suave," in which case it makes absolutely no sense, or whether it's supposed to be "savvy," in which case it is a truly wretched example of bad pronunciation, or whether it's some combination of both, as I (depressingly) suspect. Maybe he thinks "Rico Suave" was just a song about a guy who knew where to find all the good airline tickets. ["It…wasn't?" -- Sars]

Don and Mary Jean are married grandparents, and they appear to even like each other, so that's a relief. You will be shocked to hear that Mary Jean expects to be underestimated. Oh, and apparently, they have an antique car and cultivate some kind of climbing vines. Yeah, I don't know. Don says that they're in the best shape they've been in for the last 30 years, so they've been rocking the water aerobics.

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Amazing Race

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