Amazing Race
The Race Begins

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | 3 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Swing, you fat bastard!

Status report. Rob and Brennan (lawyers) are ahead because of the Fast Forward thing, and behind them are Joe and Bill (Guido), Frank and Margarita (Danza), and Lenny and Karyn (who?). Middle of the pack: Pat and Brenda (Working), Kim and Leslie (Dark/Light), Dave and Margaretta (America's Gramma and Grampa). Trailing: Nancy and Emily (Mom/Daughter), Paul and Amie, Matt and Ana, and Drew and Kevin (Shower-Fresh Scent). I just want to say I appreciate these little status reports, because it's damn hard to keep up.

Back to our story. Drew is asking some passersby very politely if they can give him directions to the Gorge. As he thanks the folks he stopped, Kevin starts yelling at him to get in the car. Once they're in the car, Drew protests that he was just trying to be "cordial and nice," whereas Kevin seems to be griping that it was taking too long. Now, we get one of my favorite moments of the evening, as Drew points out that "you have to approach people in an affable, friendly way! You don't do it like you're in New York!" Bwa! He calls Kevin an idiot. It isn't completely clear what happens here, but it looks like Kevin takes a run at getting directions and can't get the job done, so next thing you know, there's Drew again, being cordial and nice, not like New York.

Commercials.

Folks start showing up at the Gorge (or, if you prefer, the George). The course marker is substantially below the rim, so they can either walk down (which clearly will take forever), or they can ride a zip line across and then bungee jump down. (I should point out that it's not a bungee jump exactly, it's more of a very long swing, but there is indeed some give in the rope. If you think of it as a bungee jump, you'll do fine.) Team Guido doesn't even blink, but Margarita is looking a little green around the gills, especially when she spots the jump. Now, don't misunderstand. This is not bungee jumping like you've seen at your state fair or your local amusement park. This is a loooooong way down. Those who jump just fall and fall and fall and fall and fall, hurtling through space, becoming well-acquainted with the look and feel of their own intestines. If something should happen to go wrong, there will be no identifiable pieces of the contestants remaining when they were scraped off the rocks. (Presumably, Team Guido would make little matching perfectly symmetrical splat marks.) Here, as at every other point, Team Guido forges ahead. Margarita, on the other hand, balks. "I don't know if I can bungee jump." "You're gonna bungee jump," says Loud Pushy Frank. As much as I don't like this, I do think there are some people who say they can't do things knowing that the person they're with will convince them that they can, so…I might be able to get over this. Even after he says, "Oh, are you gonna bungee jump your ass off right now."

And then he shoves her. Shove, shove, shove, three good ones. They're not actually going to injure her, but they do knock her back at first. At this point, I am finished trying to keep an open mind about Loud Pushy Frank. There are only a few rules in Miss Alli's Relationship Book, and here's one of them: No. Shoving. Your. Wife. Men who shove are bad news, because they're getting off on being stronger and bigger, and really the only difference between a hard shove and a hit is where it lands. A hard shove in the face is hitting, and if Loud Pushy Frank wants to find out what's in Miss Alli's Relationship Book right ABOVE no shoving, he should try hitting his wife. And yes, he would claim he's kidding. Guess what? Shoving isn't funny, and if he were the one getting shoved, he wouldn't find it funny, either.

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Amazing Race

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