Amazing Race
The Race Begins

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | 3 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Swing, you fat bastard!

Amie is running around without a clue. Finally, she and Paul find their way to the home of the walk/zip dilemma, and he seriously doesn't want to go across. She eventually decides they're doing it. He still doesn't want to. A very relieved Nancy and Emily notice themselves being ahead of Amie and Paul. Paul gets strapped to the zip, and goes across like a champ, despite what appears to be a crippling fear of heights. (Here, again, Amie starts in about him being stupid and that being why they got lost. Paul, Paul -- the turnstile! The turnstile!) Paul refers to himself as "a big puss." I'm assuming the editors took that to be an actual cat reference, or they would have edited it out. I suppose anything is possible.

Emily jumps the jump, and Nancy breathes a sigh of relief and then follows. To her credit, Emily is smart enough to give her mom a big old "wooooo!" for the bungee jump. I would also "woooooo!" at my mom if she did that, but I suspect my mom would tell you that I wouldn't be able to see her through the battalion of flying pigs and the frozen hell and everything. Meanwhile, even though he survived the zip, Paul doubts he can do the jump.

Commercials. Including one for Wolf Lake. There's a collector's item for you.

Loud Pushy Frank and Margarita are having a little trouble getting to Songwe Village, while Amie does fine on the bungee. Matt and Ana make it to the zip, and Paul gets strapped in for the jump. Amie taunts him by telling him that Emily's mom did it. Okay, hee. He says "big puss" again, but he does, in fact, jump. As he dangles from the cord, Amie yells that she loves him, but she's actually a lot more excited when she finds out that there are teams behind them. Love, pshaw! I don’t want to be a loser, baby! Matt and Ana jump, after which she declares herself "mad" because it wasn't fun. Whatever.

Drew, at the bungee jump: "These flies are like lobsters." Ha! He takes off anyway, and as he hangs in the gorge, yelling up, "Oh, my God, Kev! Oh, my God!", Kevin helpfully chimes in with, "Swing, you fat bastard, swing!" With this, Kevin sets the tone for the entire series. At least I hope he does. I'd like to hate these guys, and I doubt I'd ever want them in my life or in my house, but on my TV, they're A-OK with me.

In a brand new display of stupidity, Paul and Amie have to run to their car, and she jumps ON HIS BACK. That is approximately the slowest way to travel by foot that I can think of. If you can't run yourself, you don’t belong on a reality show, girlie, so get your ass on the ground and pound the pavement (or, in this case, the dirt). She doesn't hear me, of course, and doesn't comply with my demands. When she and Paul make it to their car (on their way to Songwe), they wind up on the road behind Nancy and Emily, who talk in their car about how much they like Paul and Amie, while Paul and Amie talk in their car about how slow Nancy and Emily are. In Matt and Ana's car, there is talk of his being a moron, which culminates in her hitting him with "once a moron, always a moron," and his responding, "Well, you fell in love with this moron." Give it up for the Catskills comedy stylings of Matt and Ana! They're here at the Candlelight Lounge from now through the end of September…have you tried the Chicken Divan?

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Amazing Race

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