Amazing Race
The Race Begins

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | 3 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Swing, you fat bastard!

Patricia and Brenda are described as "working moms," which is apparently sufficiently descriptive for CBS's programming folks. I always find it strange that women can be described as merely "working." "What does she do?" "Oh, she works. You know, mining, stem cell research, waiting tables, serving as Secretary of the Interior -- something like that." One of them mentions that "neither of [their] husbands" was excited about their taking the trip, which makes it sound like they share a pair of communal husbands, but I suspect that they probably don't. If they do, I hope they don't all wear matching outfits.

Rob and Brennan are lawyers and best friends (I swear, I've met these guys in bars four hundred thousand times). In one of their little intro shots, they try to look like they're conferring over a book, but they look more like they're auditioning for the Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. (Miss Alli's Internal Alternative-Audio-Track Narrator: "Rob and Brennan enjoy windsurfing, lattes, and shopping for expensive socks.") They tell us that they are from privileged backgrounds (what an exciting and unsuspected surprise!), but that said privileged backgrounds won't help them when they're "hungry in the streets of Bangladesh." I make a note on my calendar to look forward to the day they experience that, because more than obviously, they need it.

Nancy and Emily are the "conservative mother [and] adventurous daughter." Said adventurous daughter explains that she is a "get up and go, on the spot, fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl." Let me translate: "I don't like to clean up after myself, I am constantly borrowing money, and I wake up hungover in strange hotels and don't know how I got there." I don’t like Adventurous Daughter one little bit. Conservative Mother says that A.D. sometimes doesn't "look before she leaps," and that makes this couple the reigning tiresome-cliché champions of the world. If they ran a business, it would utilize synergy and they would think outside the box.

Drew and Kevin. Ah, Drew and Kevin. Fraternity brothers and best friends, they have shaved their heads, which they think makes them look cool, but which actually has the same effect it has on most men, which is to make them look like giant roll-on deodorants. Men of the world, let me give you a short quiz that will help you determine whether shaving your head is a good idea. Question one: Are you Michael Jordan? Question two: Are you Ed Harris? If you answered "no" to both of these questions, you should not shave your head, lest you bear an unfortunate and striking resemblance to Team Shower-Fresh Scent here. At any rate, this is where Kevin makes his comment, much hyped on the previews, about how the two of them are the ugly Americans, and "there's definitely the potential for an international incident." Oh, okay -- I chortled.

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Amazing Race

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