Amazing Race
They’re Slithering To The Finish Line Like The Rest Of Us, Part I

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I'll stop the world and melt down with you

Previously on Eleven Legs Can Bring You To Your Knees When The Game Is Afoot: Everybody decided to leave Florida to get away from the alligators. The race visited so many castles and fortresses that it began to resemble a special episode of The Munsters, where the family is visited by a bunch of eccentric strangers who don't believe in bathing and operate on a strangely regimented arrival and departure schedule. Alliances including the Band of Brothers, the HugeTinies, and Nerd Lust taught us all a little bit about working with your fellow human beings for the common good, if by "common good" you mean "your own naked ambition." And let's face it, you do. Heather and Eve learned that money can't buy literacy, even if you find a man gullible enough to give you some. Aaron and Arianne learned that "diesel" isn't spelled U-N-L-E-A-D-E-D, and that the auto club is worth every penny. Gina and Sylvia learned that somebody has to be the first to go, so you might as well be good sports about it. Tramel and Talicia learned that the chicken dance is big, but distributing your weight properly on a WaveRunner is everything. Ian and Teri learned that nothing soothes the skin like paper underwear, and spouses often don't behave as well as pets. Dennis and Andrew learned that of all the ways to get really dirty, driving a tank in the mud is one of the ten most enjoyable. Michael and Kathy learned that giving yourself the night off in the middle of a race is almost never a good idea. Andre and Damon learned that the locals are not always friendly, but sometimes it only takes a dollar to regain your dignity. Jill and John Vito learned to eat cheese and get up in a hurry. Derek and Drew learned that in the end, pretty really is as pretty does, and under that standard, they fared surprisingly well. Ken and Gerard learned that panache will get you everywhere, as will a well-placed "YAAY!" Zach learned that that if the liberal arts thing doesn't work out, he might have a future with the bomb squad, and Flo learned...uh, Flo learned...hang on, I'll get back to you.

And now that it's all said and done, we're down to Asshat, FloZach, and the Bald Snark. "One of these three teams will win..." The sun burns out. "The Amazing Race."

Credits. A $35 million seaside resort was recently built on China Beach as part of Vietnam's growing tourism industry. The average train in Vietnam travels between fifteen and thirty kilometers per hour. Rowing a basket boat properly involves standing at the forward edge and moving the oar in a seesawing motion. Child development experts recommend that when a child whines, an adult should insist that the child repeat whatever she is saying in a non-whining tone before responding. [BOMP.]

Drunken cameramen swoop into and out of assorted Vietnamese tableaus. Phil explains that we are on a layover in Ho Chi Minh City, which he calls a "thriving economic center." As has frequently been the case this season, Phil's shirt looks like he picked it up off the floor of his closet after a three-day bender. I think whoever is responsible for dressing Phil needs to rediscover the landmark invention that is the travel iron. At any rate, you will be shocked to learn, after thirty-seven race legs have been run, that the teams will have to figure out where to go for themselves. But they're getting clues and sealed envelopes, so it shouldn't be that difficult. Eat/rest/mingle looks pretty tense this week, as the last three teams try to act like they're not plotting each other's destruction. Kenny is totally plotting, though. You can tell just by watching him eat. As drums pound mercilessly in the background, Phil wonders aloud whether Teri and Ian's age will slow them down. Surprisingly, he's not even curious about whether stopping in the middle of the leg to yell "Did not!" and "Did too!" at each other might slow them down. Drums: [BOOM-ba-ba-BOOM BOOM!] He wonders whether Flo's periodic descents into madness (which he charitably calls her "emotional highs and lows") will take a toll on Zach. Wow, they even accompany this with a shot of Flo wearing a blank expression and twisting her hair, just like a real crazy lady. Drums: [BOOM-ba-ba-BOOM BOOM!] He wonders whether the Bald Snark can rub their own heads and build up so much luck that they can rocket to the front of the pack and run away with the whole thing after the clue-hunting fiasco of last week. Presumably, all the rubbing will at least build up so much static electricity that they can use it to launder their dirty clothes. Drums: [BOOM-ba-ba-BOOM BOOM!]

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Amazing Race

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