Amazing Race
They're Slithering To The Finish Line Like The Rest Of Us, Part I

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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I'll stop the world and melt down with you

Spastic shots lead us to Asshat, disembarking from the sampan. As they walk toward a cab, Ian voices over that he has realized over the course of the race that he's "a bit too overbearing at times" with regard to his wife. You know, I've spent thirty years screaming at the television, but this is the first time I've started to believe it might work. Yay! Next, I'm going to tell all the chicks on Joe Millionaire not to believe the guy when he tells them he's rich. Anyway, Ian gives his wife credit for being "tougher than [he] ever expected her to be." I have to say, I've met Teri, and I wouldn't want to be the Burger King cashier who messed up her order, if you get my point, so I'm inclined to think Ian is probably right in that statement. He says he's really proud of her, and then he grabs a cab and they take off.

Meanwhile, Ken climbs up onto the fishing platform and starts in on the winch. They take their boat in under the net and Gerard grabs the clue, but then the net comes down on his head and he trips forward and pitches into the boat on his face. These guys seriously have some issues with boats and staying vertical. They get things straightened out and maneuver out from under the net.

Ian chomps his gum as he and Teri get to the beach. They hop out and run for the pit stop. "We're comin', Phil!" Ian yells in his usual way. I still think they're annoying, but I have to say that their "We're comin', Phil!" is starting to grow on me in a bizarre way. As they cross a wide swath of sand, however, a very, very strange thing happens. Ian starts to snap at her under his breath, "Don't outrun me. Don't outrun me." It's kind of...creepy, especially considering that he outruns her all the time. I can't help wondering what that's about. They step up to the mat, and the absolutely adorable greeter welcomes them to China Beach. Welcome, Team Asshat, you're team number one. Oh, and you get a cruise to Alaska. Hey, say hello to the Guidos. They may still be there. Phil mentions to Teri that she seems to be getting happier and happier, and she attributes it to being closer to home and closer to her family. I suspect being in first place has something to do with her improved attitude as well, as it does for Ian. Ian gives this really nice speech about how Teri is his friend and lover and shmoopycakes (ew), and then they walk off on the beach, holding hands. Which would be a lot more affecting if I weren't haunted by that image of him yelling "COME!" at her.

Ken and Gerard are running through the streets, asking about the location of China Beach. They ask whether they can walk or need a cab, and they get a lead that the cab will be necessary, so they grab one.

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Amazing Race

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