Amazing Race
They're Slithering To The Finish Line Like The Rest Of Us, Part I

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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I'll stop the world and melt down with you

5:19 AM. Asshat. They open the clue, which tells them to take a train to Hue and find the Imperial Palace. Phil explains that this will require a four-hundred-mile train trip into central Vietnam. When they get to Hue, they will find the palace, which used to house Vietnam's royal family, and they'll look for the clue box somewhere on what Phil Philiciously calls "the sprawling grounds." Teri mentions that they've been given $162 for the leg. Apparently, the amount of money available for this leg of the race was determined by seeing how much loose change was rattling around in the bottom of the camera guys' backpacks. They leave. We next see them strolling along in the dark, and he asks her again where they're going. "To Hue," she says, pronouncing it to rhyme with "cue." He corrects her pronunciation, pointing out that it's more like "hway." She thinks about arguing the point, but is forced to implicitly acknowledge that this is a situation in which he just may know more than she does. In an interview, Teri says that being in first place is the best. Much better than being in last place. Boy, they are scraping the sides of the bowl with this tautological interview footage. In a minute or two, this is going to be an episode of The Bachelor, and every time anyone gets a taxi, they'll play a voiceover of the person saying, "Then we got a taxi." Asshat boards a ferry for the other side of the Saigon River as Teri voices over that they're just taking the race one step at a time and one clue at a time. On the ferry, Ian gives the obligatory shout of "Good morning, Vietnam!" Their ferry lands, and they disembark. "You've gotta walk fast now," he commands, pointing to the ground as if she's a cat and he's pointing a flashlight beam for her to chase. They grab a cab. He voices over that this is his first time back to Vietnam since the war, and that Hue isn't far from what was once the border between the northern and southern parts of Vietnam. There's no time for reminiscing, though, because it's time to harangue the members of the service industry once again. "Big hurry," he says to the cabbie.

At the Saigon train station, Asshat grabs their bags out of the trunk, and they walk inside. Inside, the ticket lady tells them that booking for the train doesn't open until 7:00 AM, and the sign over her window tells us that it isn't quite 6:00 yet, so they've got a bit of a wait. I swear, the travel would be difficult and the stressful situations would certainly challenge me, but I often think that the one thing I couldn't stand about racing would be all the sitting around in airports and train stations. I can just see myself three legs from the end, bleary-eyed and desperate in the Tokyo airport, buying copies of Who Moved My Cheese? and Chicken Soup For The Misanthrope's Soul and not even caring that they're in Japanese.

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Amazing Race

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