Amazing Race
They're Slithering To The Finish Line Like The Rest Of Us, Part I

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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I'll stop the world and melt down with you

Lovely shots of the green mountains mingle with shots of the train, as relaxing morning music plays on the soundtrack. Kenny explains in an interview that he never would have named Vietnam as a place he wanted to visit, and that it's been strange for him, because he and Gerard lost an uncle in the war as well. Ian explains that he has long believed that the Vietnam War was "the wrong war to fight," but that he believes in "my country, right or wrong." He goes on: "It's very interesting to see what the country is about without a war going on." Hmm. Teri adds that she used to associate Vietnam only with the war, and now she can associate it substantially more positive imagery, in the form of the things that went on during this trip. Except for Flo whining, because no country deserves to be associated with that.

Gerard adds that he's a financial advisor by trade, so his general attitude is to plan for twenty years from now, but the people he's seen in Vietnam live pretty much day-to-day. As we see some local folks come up plying jewelry as the train passes through, Gerard speaks admiringly about the fact that the people he's met in Vietnam are friendly and smiling, in spite of not living under the easiest of circumstances. "They're doing something right," he says thoughtfully.

The train pulls into the Hue train station, and the pounding Love Theme From Flo's Impending Breakdown swings into gear again. Zach interviews that he and Flo decided that they would "just take it easy," essentially because it could hardly be worse than quitting, which was the only other thing Flo was willing to do. Everyone else gets off the train eagerly. Asshat grabs a taxi, as does the Bald Snark. Zach gets one too, making sure the driver knows to go as fast as possible. "Okay, speedy," the driver says. "Very speedy." FloZach actually manages to get out of the train station parking lot first. Everyone urges on their drivers to go faster, and peppers them with questions about the destination. Ken and Gerard appear to sneak by FloZach along the road, so they are first to arrive at the Imperial Palace. FloZach is close behind. Now, Flo is whining that she's going to throw up. Boy, I hear you, sister -- me, too, although I somehow suspect it may be for different reasons. Zach suggests that she drink a little water, and she whimpers that she doesn't want any, because she has to pee so bad. And her feet are killing her, and she just swallowed her gum, and she has blisters, and her nose is running, and her eyebrows are falling out, and she has a loose tooth, rickets, a hammertoe, and a dry scaly rash. It's just a guess.

Ian and Teri get out of their cab, and he immediately starts bugging her to go faster. You know, for their next anniversary, I'm thinking of getting them matching monogrammed cattle prods. After all, not everyone needs another set of guest towels. Elsewhere, Ken and Gerard pay the admission to get into the palace grounds. Still elsewhere, Flo bothers Zach while he tries to read the map. "I'm not going to get involved," she says, "but how do you know this is the right way?" Excuse me, she's "not going to get involved"? I hope she's not planning to "get involved" with the money if they win. Shut up, Flo. She continues to complain that he doesn't know where he's going. Not that she's getting involved. "It's that thing in front of us," he indicates. "Whatever," she says dismissively, chawing her gum. My eyelid begins to twitch.

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Amazing Race

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