Amazing Race
They're Slithering To The Finish Line Like The Rest Of Us, Part II

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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It's the end of the world as we know it

In the Asshat car, they're discussing speed. Specifically, a difference in speed of a couple of miles per hour. "I think you should go fifty-six," Teri instructs. "I'm going fifty-five miles an hour," Ian says. "You're only going fifty-four," Teri counters. "If you made me miss the exit because you're yappin' at me..." he tosses back. She yaps that, on the contrary, the exit is right here. "Well, you're always talkin' to me when I'm looking for an exit." What, she's not allowed to talk while he's driving? What happened to "I'm the pilot, she's the navigator"? I guess it's more like "I'm the pilot, she's the mime." They arrive at the flag and meet up with FloZach and the Bald Snark. "So the playing field is level again," Ian snots to Gerard. "Yeah," Gerard comes back, "I can't tell you the joy and excitement I feel about having a level playing field." I would probably find that a bit snotty on Gerard's part, except that Ian has given this "level playing field" speech so many times that I'm becoming convinced he carries it on a microcassette recorder and just presses the PLAY button whenever he sees other teams.

At 10:00, all the teams walk down the beach to visit with the Kahuna. They all sit down and drink some stuff, and Zach voices over how nice it was to sit down with everyone and have a relaxing beverage before the cutthroat competition and heavy-duty whining started again. They are all blessed, and they all receive their clues. The clue tells them to travel by plane to the island of Kauai. When they land, they'll get yet another spoon-fed marked car, which they will drive to a marked ranch gate. At the gate, they'll follow arrows to the clue. Everyone takes the clue and runs back to their pretty silver Mustangs, and they take off. Flo, in the car: "We're going to Kauai, which is an island right around here." HA! In his car, Gerard sizes up Flo, noting that whatever her problem was previously, she's clearly pulled it together to the point where she can no longer be written off. Except as a contestant in the Geography Bee, I guess. Ian and Teri are the same, and he notes that it's clearly going to be "a fight to the finish." In the Asshat car, Ian calls himself and Teri "the big Kahunas of the race." In her car, all Flo has to say is that she's sick of listening to Ian talk. Zach tells her that if she feels tense now, it's only going to get worse. Boy, there's a preemptive strike if ever I saw one. He didn't actually say, "Please save your whining for the more stressful times yet to come," but he could have.

All the teams speed toward the airport in their cars. They all arrive, and they all grab their bags out of their trunks, and they're all right together. In the airport, they buy tickets to Kauai. The Honolulu-Kauai flight appears to be fairly uneventful, except that Zach, apparently thoroughly confused, is wearing headphones on his temples. I think his hair is causing him to become disoriented. Perhaps it picks up distracting radio signals. ["Funny you should say that…in high school, my friend Vix and I used to refer to any big/tall/spiky hair as 'Russian TV' -- i.e. that you could pick up said TV with said hair as the antenna. Hand to God, the first time I saw Zach this season, I said out loud, 'Russian TV.' Anyway." -- Sars] In Kauai, they're all quickly out of the airport and looking for the next set of cars. Asshat makes it into a car first, and they get going, although Ian isn't sure exactly where they're going. The teams do a little wandering on the scenic island roads, but the first team to reach the ranch gate is Ken and Gerard. They hop out of the car and run along a path, and when they get to the clue box, they find that they need to be strapped into harnesses. Gerard: "Something tells me we're going high, Ken." You can't fool him -- you don't wear harnesses for horseback riding, you know. Teri and Ian, meanwhile, are getting directions from a cop, who says they're still twenty-two miles away from where they want to be. FloZach, on the other hand, is finding their way to the gate. When they catch up with Ken and Gerard strapping themselves in, Gerard points out to her that so far, they haven't been given a choice. In other words, it's the harness for you, Princess Flo! FloZach starts to strap in as well, as Ken and Gerard run off into the woods. My favorite part is where a disgusted Flo looks at Zach and says, "Do I look amused?" I'm happy just thinking he may have been smirking at her. My goodness, she is certainly a comedic display at this point.

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Amazing Race

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