Amazing Race
They're Slithering To The Finish Line Like The Rest Of Us, Part II

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Miss Alli: B+ | Grade It Now!
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It's the end of the world as we know it

The first cab to pull up at the park arrives. We see Phil, in a very, very ugly green sweater, standing on the mat. As is generally the case, the other teams are there, waiting to cheer for everyone. We see the yellow and red flags that the lucky winners will run between. They flap in the breeze. A cab arrives, and we jump out with a team's-eye view. We see a path marked with flags, leading up over a hill. As you hear the teams cheer, movement appears and you can see that there are people running. Up over the hill, it's...Zach.

There is to be no miracle. There is to be no justice, there is to be no karma, there is to be no comeuppance, because Zach and Flo are running for the finish line. There is no broken ankle. There is no sprained hamstring. There is no owl to swoop down and carry one of them off in its talons. There is no mugger waiting in the shadows to nonviolently detain them until they are passed by another team. There is no CBS executive standing at the mat with a sign that simply says what an awful lot of the people watching this show are thinking: "NO. FUCKING. WAY."

Everyone cheers. They do look slightly less faked-up than last season's finish line, that's for sure. Phil stands on the mat. He doesn't look very happy, either. "Do you see Ken and G?" Zach asks Flo as they run to the mat. "No," she says excitedly. "They're hiding," Zach theorizes. More clapping and cheering from other teams. Drew is actually jumping up and down. Ew.

They run. They land on the mat. Boom. They are declared the winners, and jump up and down. And for the first time in the history of watching this show, I shake my head and say, "Fuck that shit."

There is lots of talk about how excited they are, and frankly, I'm not interested in any of it.

Here come Teri and Ian. God love him, Ian throws out one more "HOO-RAH!" as they run from the cab. Not to mention one more "We're comin', Phil!" They're declared second, and they take it very gracefully, I must say. Of course, in their heads? "Fuck that shit." Teri talks about how great it was and how fun it was, and it's much more rewarding than listening to Zach and Flo. Ian even acknowledges that he was rough on Teri, and I like that.

Oh, and here are my darlings. Up and over the hill go Ken and Gerard. They come up on the mat, with Kenny voicing over about how great it was for them, and what a great time they had. Gerard says he was disappointed in not winning, but their relationship has improved, and they have a great bond. I would just like to say something, looking at this final Gerard interview that one of the TARflies at the party can confirm I said to him when I first saw Gerard at the party. Gerard? Cuuuuute. Cute-cutesy-cute. Just saying.

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Amazing Race

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