Amazing Race
This Game Is About Minutes

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 3 USERS: A
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Sex, booze, and the general dealer

Previously on It's a Spaz Spaz Spaz Spaz World: Ships passing each other -- like ships that pass in the night, only during the day. More frantic running than primary season in New Hampshire. "Jungle camp." (Yeah, Phil says it again. Bring on the Scandale Bureaucratesque!) Iguacu Falls. At the airport, Chris fell in love with his ticket agent, but she didn't like him that way. Blake and Paige were both perfect size sixes and wore matching gold lavalieres. The alliance between Taraweasel and Boston lasted just long enough for Alex to waggle his eyebrows in Tara's general direction, and then it burned down, fell over, and sank into the swamp. Mary and Peach were told they were going to be killed for their backpacks, but fortunately for those of us who were not looking for them to make quite that much reality television history, they weren't. Peach was the Foster Grants distributor of Langa Township. The teams were greeted at the pit stop by Thomas Jefferson. Peggy and Claire were eliminated, much to Peggy's obvious relief. Who, Phil wonders in his deliriously dulcet tones, will be eliminated tonight?

Credits. Take a deep breath. "Wil! Has! Fleas! He has a Hair! Dis-ease! He smells like rot-ten meat! He has big hai-ry feet! He! Can't! Dance! He wears an-noy-ing pants! He has a hump! He yells...too much...don't look...don't touch...and he's...way! Too! Tense! He has no fa-shion sense! The Weasel! [BOMP.]"

Commercials. I really think there may be something unseemly going on between the Michelin Man and that tire.

Winery. Ironically, the camera-careening around the estate isn't all that drunken. Perhaps now that they have access to all the wine they can drink, it's not as much fun anymore. Anyway, Phil explains that we are at a three-hundred-year-old estate in South African wine country. Phil's voice sounds a little subdued, like he has a slight cold, or maybe he's trying not to wake up the grapes. Mandatory rest period, eating, mingling, et cetera. Phil notes that during the pit stop, some of the teams "celebrated more than others."

Cut to a thoroughly sloshed Wil, looking like...well, many of us, on a few occasions we are loath to recall. Peach says that some trouble started at the dinner table, and Dave clarifies that the evildoers were Boston and Wil. Really? Alert the media. Apparently, they were getting "loud and vulgar," especially the Weasel. Speaking of rodents, Wil, wearing his hideous purple-and-white shirt, interviews about what is, by now, fairly obvious -- the fact that he had a lot to drink at the pit stop. Cut back to the previous evening, where a barely-able-to-remain-upright Wil says, "I want to have fun with the hot South African ladies, man." Alex is highly entertained, but I suppose he can afford to be. ("Dude, you're hilarious! Mind if I borrow your wife?") Anyway, Mary says that "a couple of lines got crossed, and Wil played a key part in that." Wil explains that Russell didn't appreciate the swearing that became part of the revelry (as it so often does). Cut back to a swaying Wil. Wil even admits that Jeebus "had reasons to be upset," although he also somehow attributes Russell's reaction to his being in last place, which...I think is a stretch. I know plenty of people of all ages, religions, and philosophies of life that would not appreciate being part of what's going on here, and I don't think you have to be losing the race to feel that way. In fact, I generally don't want to be a part of it, even when I'm the one doing it. Actually, especially when I'm the one doing it.

Now Phil points out that at the pit stop, "other relationships continued to grow," and we see Boston arriving and Alex being hugged by Tara. Next up, a grainy, poorly-lit, internet-bootleg-ish shot of Alex and Tara huddled...somewhere. A goofily smiling Alex turns to the camera and says, "We're just 'strategizing.'" He finger-quotes "strategizing," and he seriously needs some romantic advice, because finger-quoting is so thoroughly the opposite of an aphrodisiac, I cannot even tell you. It is truly the unsexiest thing since drooling and polka-dot bow ties. Over more film of Alex and Tara "strategizing," Wil says that his un-wife is free to see who she wants, and he reminds us that he could do the same (that sound you hear is Mary, Peach, Cyndi, Paige, AND Danny and Oswald simultaneously shuddering). He points out that nevertheless, they shouldn't "stick it in each other's faces," and I'm not even going to think about what that means, because with all the canoodling, I'm already barely holding on to dinner. A clearly drunk Alex and Tara are still mugging for the camera, and he goes to kiss her (he is totally going to kiss her, too, camera-mugging or not), and she shoves him off. Heh. I have a warm, happy feeling that they deserve each other.

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Amazing Race

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