Amazing Race
This Game Is About Minutes

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 3 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Sex, booze, and the general dealer

At the SUV corral, Wil looks at the drivers and says, "What uuuuuup?" No, really. He does. Tara reads the next clue, which tells them to drive to Matterhorn sand dune, climb it, and find the flag. Phil tells us this information again. Thanks, Phil. It always sounds better coming from you.

Gary and Dave run up the lighthouse. It takes them a minute, but they spot the SUVs. Speaking of which, back on solid ground, Mary and Peach pull the Matterhorn clue, and Mary starts talking Fast Forward (for the same reasons Danny and Oswald did -- Peach isn't one hundred percent physically). They decide to go for the FF. It actually sounds like the Fruit is willing to try the hike, but Mary doesn't think it's realistic in the state she's in, and the Fruit agrees.

At the Fast Forward Hotel, Danny and Oswald go inside. "Good afternoon," Oswald silks. Because the clue says that the flag is where the railroad tracks used to run, they start to ask about that, but it turns out one can also find the clue from taking a gander at the big red-and-yellow flag floating in the middle of the swimming pool. So, as Oswald explains, they dispense with the small talk. Danny prepares to jump in the pool, and Oswald says, "Take off your pants -- no one's going to say anything." You know, if you were never allowed to speak again, and you could communicate only through a hundred index cards you carried around with phrases on them, I would think you would be wise to make one of the cards say, "Take off your pants, no one's going to say anything." See how handy it is, even in this entirely innocent context? Anyway, he jumps in and gets the clue, which tells them to go straight to the pit stop at a hotel in Windhoek. Danny gets dressed, and they go inside to exchange some money, which brings them in contact with some of the hotel staff. As Danny brings over a couple of mimosas from a huge spread, Oswald says to the woman behind the counter, "Usually when we walk into a place like this, we walk in with our Prada gear, looking fabulous...and look how we're dressed! We feel so inadequate!" You know, Miss Manners always says that a person with really good manners is a person who makes other people feel comfortable. That's the feeling I get about Oswald. Somehow, either in luxury hotels or in South African townships or in airports or at car rental counters, he finds a way of instantly putting other people at ease. I just love him.

Brown Desert Highway. (Chimes of Desolation: "Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!") In the Taraweasel SUV, they make it to the dune and spot the flag. The Weasel tears across the sand toward the dune. (Horns of Perseverance: "Blatblatblat blatblatblat blatblatblat BLAT!") The Weasel deems the dune "radical." He wants to run, she wants to walk. He says tomato, she says to-mah-to. They can bicker, they can bicker, they can talk, they can talk, they can bicker, bicker, bicker, they can talk, talk, talk. They have an interminable bit of "banter" on the climb, although it's not good enough to be actual banter. In the tradition of the Cheez in Cheez Whiz and the Froot in Froot Loops, let's just say it's bantyr. He (1) calls her "dude"; (2) calls her "Bony" (not like "you're bony," but like "come here, Bony"); (3) discusses "paying her the big bucks"; and (4) continues to wear a knit hat. While climbing a sand dune. GO AWAY, WIL. He interviews that he wouldn't want anyone else traveling with him, and on behalf of everyone else, let me just say that we feel exactly the same way.

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Amazing Race

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