Tammy (in a blue bikini) and Victor (his baggy swim trunks accessorized with the Amazing Purse slung across his bare chest) reach the beach first, and get right to work on oiling and salting their big old dead pig. "This is disgusting," says the man who two days ago was eating scorpions. Team Go Team arrives next, their butt-cheeks all aflutter, and get started as well. Their seasoning finished, Tammy and Victor run their carrying-pole through their porker's trussed trotters. The cheerleaders are right behind them, and both teams are holding their poles at waist level rather than lifting them up to their shoulders as the locals demonstrated. It's barely keeping their pigs up out of the sand, but none of the three women seem able to raise it any higher. It's easy to mock, but if my calculations are correct, each Racer is responsible for 73 pounds of weight. Plus they're walking on sand. I tend to measure my own maximum carrying capacity in relation to my 65-pound bass amp, which I can't carry more than a block without resting. But then, it's not supposed to rest on my shoulder, either.
As Margie (out of uniform, wearing a pink tank top over a black-and-white floral swimsuit) and Luke arrive and run down to the beach, the other two teams are nearly neck and neck -- that is, until Cara drops her end of the pole and their pig falls in the sand. You know, when Phil said "island flavor," I don't think he meant that the pig was supposed to be flavored with actual, literal island. Margie and Luke season quickly, then become the first team to actually get their pole up on their shoulders. Which will serve them well during the schlep to come. Up ahead, Tammy and Victor have opened up a significant lead, while Jaime exhorts Cara, "Tammy is a weakling! We can pass her." Too bad they have to pass both siblings. Luke and Margie are making steady progress, unlike Tammy, who has to put their pig down in the sand. More island flavor. Team Go Team's pig is also down, and Luke and Margie are catching up quickly. When the cheerleaders try to lift the pole in the crooks of their arms, Cara can't manage it, and the pig hits the ground again. Jaime suppresses her fury by briefly glaring out at the ocean and vibrating like a guitar string. Meanwhile, Margie and Luke pass them. Up ahead, Tammy is also running out of gas, so Margie and Luke pass them as well, not giving them a lot of space as they go half a step up the beach. It's not like the passing team is going to waste a lot of energy going any farther out of their way than they have to. Tammy manages three more steps, and Victor's getting frustrated. But not as much as Jaime, who stresses, "Cara, please pick up the pig." Tammy keeps powering through, with Victor being more encouraging than hectoring, at least syntactically if not in tone. "Do not doubt yourself!" he orders. Cara drops her end of the pole again, and Jaime makes her switch with her. Maybe the other end of the pig is lighter. And look, I know I can't let this sequence go by without making some kind of H1N1 joke, so the following is purely for contractual requirements: if only their swine flew. Now let's move on and never speak of this again.